Trust

Last week taught me that I need to listen to and TRUST my body. The human body is an amazing thing. Not listening to it gets us in all sorts of trouble. Not trusting it leads to issues like picking, I think. What does picking have to do with trust? Well, when I pick what I'm doing is exhibiting aggression towards my bumps, blemishes, and scabs. They have a purpose, though. They don't come out of nowhere, and if left alone, they will undergo a transformation. I get super impatient. But what has my impatience and interference ever brought me when it comes to my skin but misery? I've got to trust my skin to do its job, and support it in doing so, by eating right, resting, exercising, and covering it up and/or moisturizing it when it's called for, rather than attacking it in a misguided attempt to "fix" it. My skin is doing just what it needs to. It's time for me to get out of its way.

Appreciating Yourself

How does it feel to fail so often, in such a visible way? Sometimes it sucks. But looking back I do appreciate my persistence. I must've picked hundreds, if not thousands of times in my life. Let's say I've been picking for 20 years, an average of once a week. That's over a thousand times. Talk about an ingrained habit. Don't get me started on scars. But after all that time, I still haven't given up on a) being able to stop, and b) having functional, protective, if not beautiful skin. And I don't think I ever will. I pick my skin, but I do not just pick my skin - I work every day on not picking my skin.
"Finding your own true nature is one continuous mistake, and rather than that being a reason for depression or discouragement, it's actually the motivation." - Pema Chodron paraphrasing Suzuki Rossi in The Wisdom of No Escape

How to Not Pick

It's taken me years to realize that the only solution to not picking is to love what your skin does for you more than its imperfections. In order to love what your skin does for you you have to love yourself. You have to believe your life is worth protecting and worth living. It sounds very simple but it's actually not. You may have been raised by very critical people, who were not only very hard on themselves but who were hard on you too. You may have surrounded yourself with friends who were similar. Most likely, you tried to stop picking by forcing yourself to be "better" - by telling yourself that there was something wrong with you that you needed to fix. This is completely self-defeating. That attitude is exactly what leads to picking in the first place - my skin has imperfections and I need it to be perfect -> I have imperfections and I need to be perfect. Do you see where I'm going with this? The attitude you need to cultivate is actually: I am a good, worthwhile person. I deserve to treat myself well, and I deserve to be treated well. Now, I am not talking about self-indulgence. I am talking about making choices that support your health, which again goes back to your life being of value. Like it or not, we live our lives in this body; therefore, when we care about our lives, we take care of our bodies. Unfortunately, this is something no one else can tell you to do. When you are down on yourself and your life, someone else telling you to love yourself and to take care of yourself can sound like criticism, too.

Doing fine

I'm doing fine, these days. I am picking less and less. I don't like where my mind goes when I pick. It's not possible for me to pick and to feel at peace. Picking puts me into a scrunched up, stressed out, aggressive kind of mind frame. I don't want anything to do with that. And better, when I don't pick, I see my skin heal, and it's nice. I want to have clear, smooth skin. I want to be healthy. Health starts from the inside out. Mind first, body next. Then environment, including people. Get your mind right and keep it right. That's important.

Being Kind to Yourself

Self-improvement never ends but it's best not to be too aggressive about it. It can become an obsession and a source of beating up on yourself just like anything else. I pick my skin less, now, but I still do pick, sometimes. I'd like not to, but I'd like not to in a way that's kind to me. Honestly, what I believe has helped me the most with picking less over the years is just that - trying to be kinder to myself. I never understood what it meant to love yourself before. It sounded stupid. I don't like it when people talk about what they "deserve," for instance. However, I think there are things that we do that make us feel good, and things we do that don't, and I'd rather feel good, if I have the choice. Recently I've been paying more attention to my feelings and giving myself permission to make decisions that protect my well-being. I've realized I am actually extremely sensitive to external stimuli, including people. It has been tough for me to let myself remove myself from situations and people that and who don't have a positive influence on me. I have it ingrained in me - be tough, life is struggle, sacrifice your own needs and feelings for the sake of other's. If you can't deal with a situation or a particular person - it's your fault. Figure it out. I've realized though that me approaching things in this way has had little benefit. I'm just not that kind of warrior. My battles are not outside; they are within. I've made a good deal of progress in the past several years in becoming more patient and calm. However, I'm still a LONG way from being able to stay or insert myself in an adverse situation and to be unaffected. And you know what? That's okay. I am who I am, and I can strive to be better and to do better, but today, this is where I'm at. Today, I am a person who, after a stressful day, with lots on her mind, sometimes ends up picking at the blackheads on her forehead and her nose and chin. Sometimes I even end up picking at bumps on my arms or my legs, though that is increasingly rare. It's okay. Doing these things does not make me a bad person, and though I may not have the self-control I wish I had with regards to this, I have self-control in other areas. Perhaps my self-control is being exhausted on other things! Perhaps what I really need is just to relax, to do things I enjoy. I am always learning. My skin may be deteriorating, my body may be getting old, but I'm learning.

Momentum

There's no stopping progress. Once your skin starts healing it feels and looks so good compared to how it used to that there's no way to go back. Trust me. I have made peace with my skin as it is. Thank God I'm still relatively young so my skin regenerates at a decent rate. Not like it did when I was a teenager, but it's fine. I do not want to waste a single additional moment of my life stressing out about my skin or the way I treat it. Letting this go is sweet freedom.

Good news, I'm over it

Well yes, basically the title says it all. It's been a few days now since I said - Ok, that's it - I'm done! And I really am done. My skin is healing. Face faster than limbs, but it's all a matter of time. I may have scars forever. I don't care. Scars, freckles, wrinkles, blackheads, pimples. I do not care. Skin is not perfect, not if you're alive, but take care of it and it'll do its job. I'll try to write another update in some days or weeks. Time to relax...