Starting Over

What a year it's been. I moved to a new country and went back to school last September. Little did I know how much my life would change! After more than half a year of living on different continents and barely talking to each other, my husband and I decided to separate. It now looks like we're headed for divorce. He was such an important part of my life, really my other half, so it's been a difficult adjustment. Thankfully the separation has been fairly amicable and I have new friends who take good care of me and whom I love. I'm sorry to say though, that with so much more time alone, and so many new challenges to tackle, I've fallen back into picking. Despite this my mind frame is relatively positive (hence the slight changes to the page design), and with a long holiday coming up soon, I feel it's time to make another concentrated effort to kick this picking habit once and for all. I'm reinstating the Daily Count. I'm also going to think long and hard about who I am and who I want to be, now that I'm on my own again and don't really have anyone else's expectations to live up to. It's not often that we have the space and time to find ourselves, so I'm looking at it as a blessing. Over the next few months, my missions are healing, strength (physical and mental), and spiritual growth. Tomorrow, of course, is a new moon, the perfect day to begin.

Under Control

My life has been so chaotic over the past few months, and my daily schedule and state of mind has reflected that. Now I'm trying to get myself under control, hoping that if I can be more stable internally, my external environment will stablize a bit as well. Rather than focusing on how my skin looks, I'm trying to focus on how I feel, trying to remain positive and focused. I'm sure if I can remain in a good frame of mind my skin will improve as well.

One Day at a Time

I haven't been in the best place due to unexpected changes happening in my life. I've been doing better over the last few days, though. I'm just trying to take things a day at a time and to take care of myself. Eat well, get enough sleep, and keep my mind in a good space. Spend time alone or with people I really love and respect. I have lots to figure out and I'm hoping if I just try to stay mindful, moment by moment, things will slowly become clear. I don't want to pick at my skin because it doesn't help me at all. I've really been trying to avoid it. My skin's always in the process of healing from the last bad day, but I want to break this cycle.

My Body and My Self

Last week something in my relationship with my body changed. On Monday I had a very difficult emotional experience and ended up picking at my skin very badly - my arms, my legs, my face, everywhere. It was sad and painful. After it was over, though, I really had to wonder if I could or even should have avoided it. The thing is, the time had come for me to face some hard truths about changes that have happened to me. Though picking was physically destructive, it enabled me to concentrate to the extent that I could finally come to some conclusions about important matters. Surely there are better ways to force yourself to concentrate than to pick at your skin, but this is what I did, and when I was done, though exhausted and regretful of the damage I had done to my skin, I was also relieved that I had accepted what I needed to accept. I hope days like last Monday are few and far between from now on. Of course, you never know what life will throw your way.

Anyway, the next day, I perceived my body in a different way. I saw my body as somehow separate from myself. I thought about how my skin protects me, my bones hold me up, and my muscles help me move. I thought about how I experience the world through my senses - my sight, taste, hearing, smell, touch, and thoughts. I thought about how I need my body, to get through this life, but how there is so much more to me than my body. I need to take care of my body and support its needs the way it supports mine. At the same time though, I need to remember that this body is impermanent and that it does not define me. I am in control. I do not exist to serve my body; my body exists to serve me.

After I started thinking about this in regards to my own body, I started seeing the people around me in a different way. I tried to really see them - to look past the outside and think about who they really were. I thought about how people's bodies - how they move, speak, and decorate themselves - can reflect something about their internal state, but can never tell the whole story. We're born with one body and can change it only slightly. Inside, though, we are so complex. We are capable of great changes, and, in my opinion, of having a far more expansive worldview than the limitations of our physical body would indicate.

This shift of perspective was very interesting for me and in some ways quite liberating. By affecting the way I saw myself and how I saw others, it made me think about my relationships. For instance, I started wondering about physical attraction and why it is that many times we seek to be physically close to someone when the mental and emotional aspects of a relationship can be so much richer. I am not sure whether this mental shift will be lasting or temporary, but I'd like to sustain it for a while and explore some of its implications.

Doing Fine

Just wanted to post a quick update to say that I am doing fine. I had one picking incident, a few days ago I think, but it was not bad compared to others in the past. Overall, I feel good and like I will be able to keep making progress. My current schedule is much more demanding than my schedule of the past several months was. I'm trying to clear my mind and strengthen my body so that I'll be better able to tackle the challenges ahead of me.

Confidence

Tonight is the full moon. I have my last exam tomorrow and am moving at the end of the week. It is a time for conclusions. My life has changed a lot over the past few months. It is always strange to feel like you aren't the same person you once were - these days I feel as though I am in a constant state of transformation, but maybe that is just the nature of life. Some things happen to you, and some things you make happen. As I accept that certain changes are inevitable, I feel more confident and also like it is time to move on from past patterns that have had a negative effect on me. Picking is something that has had a grip on me for years, despite knowing that it's bad for me and wanting to stop. I want to make one final push and give it up for good, and I believe that I can. I don't know what makes this time different compared to any other time, only that I feel more confident these days. Surely some of this has come about as a result of positive interactions I've had with new people. The way people have been responding to me has made me feel better about myself. Yes, I see, I'm capable of making other people laugh and smile. Yes, it is ok for me to expect more from the people I share my life with. If I can expect more from others, why not from myself? Why not invest my time and energy in something that is important to me? I want to be able to share myself more completely with the people I love; I want to be able to be more open. I can, I will, and I must move on from this.

Hectic Times

My exams are almost over, thank goodness, but the past few weeks have been extremely stressful. My main sources of stress have been the exams themselves, a close friend's problems, some relationship issues, and the fact that I'm moving at the end of the month. I have had one or two bad picking sessions, one time my face and one time my whole body, and have been scratching excessively at my scalp. My sleep schedule is all out of whack - for the past week I haven't been able to fall asleep until early in the morning for some reason. I'm sure all this craziness will calm down soon, and in the meantime I'll try to do as little damage as possible. Whew.