Making Progress

Today was fine. I had trouble concentrating at work, but other than scratching at my scalp and face a bit, I left my skin alone. I even saw a bump on the back of my left arm that would be perfect to pick, but I said to myself, "Nah!" and looked away. I'm glad tomorrow's Friday. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I'm going to brush my teeth now and go to bed quickly. Better not turn on the light in the bathroom. Don't want to risk it.

Identifying as a Picker

Very few people know that I pick at my skin. Sometimes I envy other addicts, like smokers and alcoholics. Their addictions are so widespread and so well-known. You could tell someone that you're trying to quit smoking or that you're a recovering alcoholic and they'd know exactly what you're talking about. Not only that, but the person would probably offer you their whole-hearted support. Chances are that they've been or know someone close to them who's been in the same boat. I'm certain that if I confessed to someone I didn't know very well that I'm fighting an addiction to picking at my skin they'd be confounded.

From the number of websites that have cropped up related to skin picking, it seems like picking is more common than most people imagine, but I still think it's quite rare. The interesting thing about this is that picking requires no tools other than your fingers, and no materials other than something to pick at, unlike smoking and drinking, which require cigarettes and alcohol. I wish I could pour the object of my addiction down the sink, or break it up into little pieces, but that's another matter.

I guess one of the reasons that picking's not more widespread is that in addition to fingers, picking usually requires privacy and down-time. Many people have no privacy or down-time. Intense picking, unlike chain smoking and binge drinking, is not typically done socially - you probably won't be peer pressured into a long session of picking. Unlike some monkeys most of us don't sit around picking nits out of each other's hair. However, sometimes picking starts socially. I think what first got me started picking was a friend showing me how to push blackheads out of my nose. Around the same age, another friend taught me how to pull hairs out of my legs with tweezers. Luckily, I never evolved into a trichotillomaniac.

The bottom line is, I've only told my immediate family, a few friends who've come and gone in my life, and a few other people who've asked and who I thought I might as well be honest with about my skin picking. I don't know whether the other people I come into contact with suspect anything - I'm sure a few have wondered why I have red bumps on my skin. So far though, most have been either too polite or too self-absorbed to ask. I don't mind. It's not something I feel like discussing with people I don't know very well. The only reason I made this blog public rather than private was on the off chance another picker or someone trying to understand picking better might find it interesting or helpful.

Losing Its Appeal

Yesterday I picked a bit at my skin, but I realized that picking is losing its appeal. It's just not giving me the same satisfaction it used to. The skin on my arms is dry, red, and irritated, and I would rather let it heal than to make new wounds. I felt some bumps on the backs of my legs, and tried to squeeze at them, but nothing came out. I used moisturizer yesterday so my face wouldn't be so flaky, which seemed to reduce the amount I scratched at my face. When I did scratch, I was annoyed at the flakes of dead skin that got all over my clothes and my chair. I felt the same way when I scratched at the scabs on my scalp because scabs I peeled off got stuck in my hair. Another thing I did different yesterday was to turn on a small fan at work. The cool air seemed to help me keep my mind clear and to remain on task. I'll turn the fan on today, too, and hope to be even more productive. As a side note, I really can't believe how bad my arms look. I've been so preoccupied, for the past many years, with the red bumps left after picking that I never noticed how sun-damaged my arms have become. I hope they look a little better once they're fully healed, but it's quite possible the damage is permanent.

Things to Look Forward To

If I manage to stop picking, here's what I have to look forward to:
- Smooth skin
- Being able to wear whatever I want to, including short-sleeves and shorts when it's hot outside
- More energy since my body won't have to work so hard repairing my skin
- More free time
- Less self-loathing
- Less self-consciousness
- Being able to go swimming without embarrassment
- Pride and self-confidence from having successfully overcome a difficult challenge

The Curse of Privacy

Ah, privacy. I love my alone time, but for pickers like me, privacy can be a curse. I do not pick when there are other people around, except for people who know me extremely well, like my immediate family. The kind of picking I do when I'm around my immediate family is very low-key compared to the kind of picking I'm capable of when I'm alone, though. I've tended to pick less during the times in my life when I've had to share more of my space and time with people. When I've had more time alone, the opposite's been true. Of course, surrounding yourself with people is not the solution to stopping picking. You have to be able to deal with the times when you are alone too.

Back at It

The three-day weekend wasn't bad. The first night I scratched at my scalp like crazy and squeezed at many whiteheads and blackheads on my face. The second night I scratched at my scalp less and scratched at my face quite a bit (dry flaky skin). Yesterday was okay. Again, picking consisted mostly of scratching at my scalp and face. It was the same today, with some cuticle scraping thrown in for good measure. I even wore short-sleeves today, and left my arms untouched until just before I left work. My arms are actually starting to look okay. Scarred and sun-damaged, with several scabs and a few red bumps, but okay. Even though I haven't made it through a day since starting this blog with absolutely no picking, I feel like I am making progress. Slowly but surely, I will prevail.

Leaving for the Weekend

Well, I'm going away for the long weekend and won't be able to write until I get back, most likely the day after tomorrow. I feel pretty good today and am determined not to harm my skin at all. I will be with family, which usually is good but sometimes can be stressful. I'll try to stay relaxed.

There are several topics connected to picking that I would eventually like to write about. These include the role privacy plays in picking, how friends and family can be helpful, other sources of inspiration, how picking has affected my life, and productive vs. unproductive obsessions.