Feeling Sensitive

For several months about ten years ago I had weekly visits with a therapist. I was really struggling with picking at the time and had asked a family friend who was also a therapist for advice. He referred me to her and after meeting with her once we agreed it would be a good fit. She was a very kind, understanding person. She did help me, but unfortunately I moved to a different town soon after so I couldn't continue my therapy with her.

I still remember several things she taught me and that we discussed. One of the things she told me was that I am a very sensitive person. She said that because I was sensitive I would probably always have to do things slowly and carefully. She told me I was sensitive after I'd been talking about my friends, and the different times and different ways in which they'd hurt my feelings. I had recently had a bad experience in which I drank too much alcohol at a bar and slept with a friend of a friend. I had left his place early the next morning, while he was still sleeping. I left him a note, but later I heard that the note had just confused him because he had blacked out that night from drinking too much, and couldn't even remember who he'd been with. Like an idiot, rather than deciding to keep my distance from this guy, I tried to get to know him better and to make him like me. He wasn't interested in me at all, which I really felt bad about.

I think the therapist was right about me being sensitive. I am more careful about who I spend my time around now, and I think I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings most of the time. This morning, though, I cracked. You can't choose who you are around at work, and I have an especially difficult time interacting with harsh or even very assertive people. This morning a woman I work with, who I actually like quite a bit, was asking me to explain a process to her. I don't know much about the details of the process, but I've used it successfully in the past. I told her what I knew, but she kept asking me for more and more information, really pressing me. I started to get frustrated, because I don't know any more than I told her, and I wanted to get on with my work. She was telling me that she was going to try the process two different ways and analyze the results. Finally I told her she should just go ahead and do what she wants to do, but I'm sorry, I've reached my limit, and don't really care about the particulars of the process. I'm not able to communicate so well when I'm flustered so it all kind of came out in a jumble. She was stunned and kind of smiled, backed away, and left. I was embarrassed, my face flushed and a warm feeling in my chest. It took quite awhile for me to calm down. I feel bad for reacting that way; I don't understand why I wasn't just able to nod and go along with her until she left on her own.

This kind of thing has happened to me once before at work, a few years ago. That time was much, much worse, though. A guy from a different department, who I was working on a project with, came to my desk and asked me to do something for him. I didn't think he had the authority to tell me what to do, and thought he was asking me to do something just to lighten his own workload. So, I refused. He became more and more demanding, raising his voice and implying that I couldn't do what he was asking me to do because I was incompetent. I remember how I felt. I was so hot, and started shaking. I finally interrupted him and coldly said something like, "You need to leave right now, I cannot deal with you anymore." He did leave, thankfully. Someone sitting near me had heard the whole exchange and came over and asked me if I was ok. I was so disappointed with myself, for letting him get to me and not being able to remain calm. I felt so weak. After that I avoided contact with him, finished my work on that project, and transitioned on to other things.

What does being sensitive mean in terms of picking? Sometimes in the past when something was bothering me, or when I as feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, I'd take it out on myself by picking at my skin. I'd pick until I was exhausted and thoroughly disgusted with myself. It's as if I couldn't start feeling better until I'd made myself feel as terrible as possible. I also noticed some time ago that when I started picking for longer periods of time, at the point when my mind and body began to split, even if nothing in particular was bothering me then, my mind inevitably turned to unpleasant feelings and memories. All these things I hadn't thought about for awhile would come up, and I'd start feeling worse and worse. And then, in the few moments when I allowed myself to think about what I was doing to myself, well that just compounded the negative feelings. All in all, not a good situation. I haven't had a picking session like that for a long time, though of course it could happen again if I'm not careful.

I hope that someday I'm able to remain calm no matter how stressful the environment, even when negative energy is targeted at me. Many years ago I remember reading a teaching of "Bapak" Muhammad Subuh Sumahadiwidjojo about how we interact with other people. He said that there are basically three modes of interacting with others. One is like being a mirror, in which you reflect whatever a person directs at you right back at him or her. The other is like being a lake, in which you absorb whatever the person directs at you. At first there are waves on the surface, but eventually they dissipate and the lake surface returns to being still. The final and best way is to be something like a light, in which you transform whatever is directed at you into something lighter and more beautiful. I would like to be like that, but am a long way from it!