Who You Really Are

So, I say that if you're picking you're out of alignment with who you are. You are resisting or avoiding something. The key is to find out what. It may be many things! Over the past three years I've changed dramatically. I've been through experiences that have each highlighted aspects of my personality that were no longer serving me. Lacking self-confidence. Feeling conflicted about my spirituality. Needing external validation. Trying to meet other people's standards. Giving myself too much of a hard time. Not trusting my intuition. Being overly critical and argumentative. Avoiding conflict. Feeling uncomfortable in my body. My goodness. Coming to grips with all of these things has been exhausting! And I still have further to go; this process is ongoing. However, every day, with every realization I have and every change that I go through - I feel more and more like who I really am. It's like layers and layers of junk are getting cleared away. Whereas before I felt at peace sometimes, rarely, now it's more often, and soon I'm positive it will become my default mode.

Do It for Yourself

This is a hard post, because I feel we've almost been programmed to want to make other people happy. It's like our parents were so scared of us becoming selfish and self-absorbed that they pushed us too far to the other extreme. Of course the irony is that if you consciously neglect the self, it will assert its needs subconsciously, which can play out in all sorts of messed up ways, including manipulation. It is much, much better to be aware of your wants and to be open about them than to find yourself trying to get them in roundabout ways. Anyway, I digress. When I first wanted to stop picking, I thought it would be most effective to do it for someone else. A number of people I've known and have cared about have wanted me to stop. Trying to stop for any of them didn't work, though. The thing is, I believe the essential problem - the root of picking, what sustains the habit over years - is a lack of self-love. The only person you can and should do it for is yourself. Because it's what you want and need and because it's good for you - you'll stop. The benefits for anyone else are only secondary. Do it for you.

I Would Rather Be...

When I feel myself getting pulled towards picking, I say to myself: "I would rather be..." Reading. Cooking. Showering. Going for a walk.  (Fill in the blank). Hurting myself is pretty much the last thing I feel like doing. And that's the now. I can apply it to tomorrow, also. I would rather be well-rested and to be one day further along in the healing process, than to be dead-tired and to have to starting over from Day Zero (again).

What Is vs. What Could Be

Have you ever had a horrible moment of realization when you see how you actually look, as a result of picking? A lot of times I see past the scabs and bumps and scars. Call it selective vision, if you will. But then sometimes, I let myself see, or I just can't avoid it. I took a photo of myself smiling, and I looked at it and saw the scabs on my forehead. I look down at my forearms, near my wrists, where my sleeves don't quite reach, and I see the dozens of tiny round scars - in various stages of healing - red and purple and lighter than skin tone. It can be pretty overwhelming and sometimes quite hopeless. However, I am a fighter, and I can also see how I could look, if I managed to stop. I can imagine my skin healing. I can imagine an end to the pain that I've learned to ignore for the most part but that every now and then I feel. This is what I want. To be healthy and free and more fully myself. I feel like I'm at a fraction of my potential and I'm so tired of being stuck there.

Stop Immediately.

I read an article this morning that explains what I've suspected for a long time - picking may cause depression. Picking causes inflammation in the body, and inflammation may be a source of depression. Talk about a vicious cycle. http://gu.com/p/44gj5/sbl

Other things! (You are more than this)

I hate a lot of things about picking. One of the worst things is the guilt associated with it. How heavy it becomes. How picking can come to define you. How you let it consume you. Whether you're in the middle of it, or you're not doing it at the moment. I am tired of thinking about picking. I'm tired of worrying about picking. I want to think about other things. I want to spend my energy on other things. I started a whole blog about overcoming picking. That shows how important it is to me - how much it's troubling me. I hate that. Never mind my poor skin - I want my mind and my energy back. And how, now? Now I will focus on doing what I want to do, rather than on not doing what I don't want to do. Doesn't that sound better?

Start Again

Start again, as many times as you need to. This is a new moment, this is a new moment, this is a new moment. Every moment is a moment you can start again. Your skin may be torn, red, bleeding, scabbed, scarred. Whatever stage it's in - it will get better. It can only get better. Let it do so. Resolve not to tear it open again. Resolve to let it stay closed, to let it take care of itself as it will. Support it in doing so. Eat healthy, sleep enough, don't fret over what you can't control. Take care of yourself, a little better every day, until it's a habit, until you don't have to think about it. Start again. Start now.