One thing I haven't done since I started this blog, which I'm very proud of, is got lost in a picking session and thought to myself, "Nevermind today - tomorrow, I'll start fresh." I used to do this all the time. There were many days I looked forward to as the best days to stop picking. My favorite day, other than "tomorrow," was the day of the new moon. There was also the first day of the end of my menstrual cycle, which I see as a time of purification. And of course, there were the big days - birthdays and new years (solar and lunar). My fresh start would last for a few days after these special days, until I inevitably caved. This would be followed by the familiar feeling of guilt.
I now basically think that saying "That's the day I'll stop!" is to put too much pressure on myself. It also does not protect me from damaging myself in the present, which is when my focus needs to be. Tomorrow doesn't matter, if I'm hurting myself today. It is a constant struggle for me to concentrate on what I am doing in this moment, but I will continue trying to improve.
In addition to putting off stopping until the perfect day, I have also been somewhat obsessed with the concept of tabula rasa or a blank slate. If only what I had done to myself could be erased, somehow wiped from my memory and experience. Of course, this is not possible! As I think I've mentioned before, I've had to accept that I will always have scars. I will probably also always have bumps. I may always have areas I have scratched at or picked at that are in the process of healing. It's also possible that I will always be tempted to pick when I look at my skin. I hope that is not the case - but the reality is that there are no real fresh starts. I cannot erase what I've done or really start over. I have to work with where I'm at, reflect on my experience, and learn from it.
thank you so much for this post. you have no idea what it means to me.
ReplyDelete