Resilience

I had a bad morning. I had planned to go for a run straight after getting out of bed, and had been looking forward to it for days. Instead, as I was getting dressed, I started picking at my skin. I picked more and more, and started thinking about some things that are bothering me. I struggled to bring my focus back into the present, and to stop, but it took a long time before I was able to. Thank goodness, I remembered that this week I do not have to wear short-sleeves, because there is a holiday on the day of the sports class I usually attend. I had been thinking that I wouldn't be able to go this week because I didn't want anyone to see my arms after what I did to them today. Last week, my arms were not in great shape either, so I wore long-sleeves and it was too hot.

I finally did finish getting dressed this morning and went for my run. It is a very cold day, but it felt good to get my body moving and to be outside in the fresh air. My day started to improve the moment my sneakers hit the pavement.

It can be hard for me to recuperate after I've had a bad picking session. I'm not talking about physically - of course it takes a long time for my skin to heal from the damage I do to it. Mentally, though, too, picking takes a toll. Typically just after I've picked I feel ashamed, disappointed, and depressed. I don't want to see anyone; I just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear. But I don't want to be like that. I don't want to let picking get the better of me, to consume any more of my mental space than it already does. I just want to recognize what happened, resolve not to do it again, and move on. The sooner I get back to being my best self, the better. I think this is possible. I still believe I can have a good day. I'm going to stretch, take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and eat some good food. Then maybe I will try to do the even harder thing - to make myself available to my friends.

Sharing

Today one of my new friends asked me what was on my arms. I was wearing short sleeves and enjoying some tea and cake with her at a cafe. The sun was shining through the window on my arms. When my skin gets hot sometimes it gets inflamed - my spots and scars stand out more. I hesitated for a second but decided to be honest and told her that I pick at my skin. For some reason I started with, "Sometimes when I get nervous..." though, which I don't think is necessarily true for me anymore. Anyway, she asked me if I had been nervous recently and why, and I tried to explain. Because she also asked me why I had so many scars I told her that I had been doing it since I was a teenager. I tried to reassure her that actually I'm doing much better now, and don't pick as often as I used to. I told her that some people pick much more than me, to the point where it's difficult to leave the house (I've been there). She asked me how I do it, which kind of took me by surprise, but I replied that I simply squeeze at bumps I find. She said she has a friend who has bumps on the backs of her upper arms, and confessed that she sometimes picks at her face. Of course, I said, that is the most common area to pick at. I then tried to divert the conversation from picking to human grooming rituals gone out of control in general, and brought up another friend of ours who wakes up incredibly early to make sure she has time to fix her hair before going out in public. I think many of these very lengthy grooming rituals have quite a lot in common with picking but are considered socially acceptable so we don't really see them as problems.

This friend of mine is the first person who I've shared that I pick with here. I don't particularly like talking about it, but I think it's probably a good thing for my close friends to know, and it was nice that she cared enough to ask. It also reminded me, though, that my scars are still very much present and noticeable. Realistically, they probably always will be. However, I don't feel like covering up my skin all the time to avoid these kinds of conversations. My friend values tact, so she probably had wondered about my skin for awhile but waited until we knew each other better to ask me about it. I was glad I could be honest with her, but at the same time, I hope I don't have to explain it to anyone else again soon!

Determined

I've been in my new location for almost a month now, though it's felt more like a few weeks. The pace of my life has been hectic. I've gotten to know a whole new group of people, which has been mostly enjoyable but sometimes stressful. I have been getting far too little sleep. I have picked at my skin 3 or 4 times over the past month. It's cold enough now that I need to wear long pants and long sleeves all the time, even at home. My arms don't look so bad that I couldn't wear short sleeves if I needed to, though. I'm pleased with the progress I've made in not picking my skin. Of course it would be best if I could avoid all picking and stop totally. The few times I've picked have been when I've been very tired and have had a bit of extra time before I've needed to move on to the next activity. As I settle in to my new routine and things (hopefully) quiet down, I am determined not to fall back into old patterns. I've learned to ignore the negative thoughts that arise when I do start picking, and will continue trying to push through and past my slip-ups.