Hello, my old friends: fear and anxiety. Funny how you seem to keep away when everything is going fine in my life, but creep right back in again, under my nose, when things start getting stressful. You slowly take control of my mind, until I find myself acting in ways that I know deep down are not good for me, but which I cannot seem to avoid. I start believing that the worst will happen, and act accordingly, sabotaging the meaningful relationships I've developed, missing out on important opportunities, and just feeling tired all..the..time. Picking, well, picking just keeps the cycle going.
So...here I am again. I guess I wasn't as well as I thought. I've realized that to really overcome picking, you have to not pick, ever. And more importantly, you have to overcome the real reasons why you pick. My best friend has suffered the most from my latest downward spiral. He told me something to this effect: "You should not be having a hard time, you should be happy, because you have a nice life, good parents, good living conditions, and good people around you who love you and respect you. You have to stop the way you see everything around you. You are giving yourself a horrible time for no good reason. Stop thinking about everything in a bad way." That hurt, and he doesn't really understand how I think about things, but he's basically correct. I have to stop fear and anxiety from taking over my life.
It's not as simple as telling yourself to stop, though. Talking to my mother, tonight, she said that one thing she's learned is that you cannot fix mental problems by thinking them away. Sometimes you have to rely on a higher power. I think she's probably right. I've tried mental power to no avail. Perhaps it's time to try something else. I'm a Buddhist, so I can't really surrender my problems to God. Instead I'll rely on White Tara, a female manifestation of the Buddha associated with long life. She's white to symbolize the clearing out of disease and the negative karma that causes disease. My mom said I need to make a daily practice of prayer, and to pray whenever I feel the fear arising. I'll do my best.
