I've moved again, to a completely new environment, and I've been through another extremely painful experience. So much upheaval. The good news is that I haven't been taking out my frustration on my skin. I still have the once-a-week struggle not to pick, and sometimes I don't succeed. But I'm staying positive. I know that my skin doesn't define me. I know that I'm doing the best that I can. And I believe that I'm getting better, slowly but surely. My body is strong; I am in fairly good health. My mind hasn't been in the best place, but I seem to be realizing some important things that I think will be helpful.
Today I'd say it's probably been a little over a week since my last picking session. I have scabs and scars. Tomorrow's the new moon and I'd like to try something new - rather than concentrating on not picking, I'd like to do a whole life transformation. I want to get enough sleep, on a schedule, every night. I want to exercise every day. I want to eat moderately, and well. I want to devote time to my friends, as well as to the other things I enjoy - reading, writing, and being in the great outdoors. I want to improve my mental focus and concentration, and make progress in my studies and career plans.
When I was feeling so awful that I couldn't take it anymore, I got outside myself and asked - how do I see this person and what do I want for her? I'm still figuring it out. For a long time, I have been changing in response to everything and everyone around me, adapting to my environment and my friends' needs and expectations. I have to stop this - I need to figure out who I am and what I want, independent of anyone else. I have to stop worrying about how others see me. It is absolutely impossible for me to please everyone, and right now I have to stop trying to please even the people I care about the most.
I also have to accept a hard truth - I have a very obsessive personality. Skin-picking is just one symptom or result of this. What I'm far more concerned about, because the results have been even more destructive, is the way in which I've become obsessed with people I've liked over the years, particularly when their feelings for me have been ambiguous. I've built these people up in my mind, exaggerating their positive qualities and overlooking their faults, until they can do no wrong. I've agonized about how they feel about me, and poured all my time and energy into trying to understand them and trying to be exactly the kind of person I think they want me to be. This always ends badly, both for me and the person involved. Because, of course, it is stifling for them, as well as confusing when, ultimately, I become fed up with the ambiguity and with trying to be someone I'm not. My insecurity and self-doubt take over, and I become more and more demanding (and, in their minds, irrational) until in most cases I push the person away permanently. I've just been through another one of these experiences. I finally see this for what it is - a terrible pattern that I've repeated at least eight times since I was a teenager. This latest time, I destroyed my relationship with someone I called my best friend. The craziest thing is that I don't even know if this person merited being called my best friend or if my mind had turned him into someone more significant to me than he ought to have been based on who he is, really.
Here is the lesson: never obsess about a person! People aren't appropriate targets for obsession (ok, unless you're writing a biography). I read somewhere that you have to be a little obsessed with the person you love, but I think that's dangerous. Someone like me needs to be very careful. I can't lose myself in the process of caring about someone. I can't let thinking about someone else dominate my day. I can't sit around waiting to hear from them. I can't adapt all my plans and my goals to them. I can't let myself even approach invading their privacy - no prying, no tracking, no spying (Facebook is my enemy). If I'm not sure if someone I like really cares about me, or if I can trust them, well, then, they probably don't and I probably shouldn't. Some situations require patience, and that's something I need to work on, but after a sufficient amount of time has passed what may really be needed is to move on. I can't let either my hopes and expectations, or my doubt and insecurity, distort what logic and reason tell me is true.
Obsessive people may need something to obsess about, and like I wrote a post on before, obsession doesn't have to be negative. People who obsess are able to concentrate on one thing for a long period of time. That's a good thing! The trick is avoiding unproductive obsessions (for me: my skin and people) and instead choosing to obsess about something worthwhile. I'm still searching for my productive obsession. Maybe during this month of transformation I'll finally be able to choose one and to start implementing it.
