Facing Reality

It's been ages since I've written. I've been going through a very hard time and recently realized that I have been deluding myself to try to make things easier on myself. The truth has always been fighting to get through to me, but I had developed habits to protect myself from it. Evidence kept piling up, trying to maintain my self-delusions left me drained and exhausted, and finally I realized: I can't do this anymore. This realization came after suicidal thoughts had surfaced in my head one too many times. I would never commit suicide because I believe my life is the most precious thing I have and I wouldn't want to bring that kind of pain to my friends and family, but that I even got to the point of thinking about it, of thinking that maybe this was my best way out, terrifies me.

Now I am forcing myself to give up the habits that kept reality at a distance and to confront things as they are. It is very difficult. I feel like I am going through withdrawal, but I am determined to recover and to take responsibility for my life.

Part of the healing I need to do is to confront, again, and finally, my compulsive skin-picking. I don't want to pick my skin anymore. I've been doing it since I was a teenager. It has consumed vast quantities of my time and energy, made me feel self-conscious and insecure, and prevented me from participating in a lot of opportunities that would've been good for me. Picking hasn't brought me real relaxation, or any great thoughts. Basically, picking has brought me nothing but pain. Hurting myself for no apparent gain is completely unacceptable and I refuse to continue with it.

This is a blog about skin picking, but as far as I can tell, skin picking is an indicator of other things going wrong in a person's life. Whatever you find externally to improve your life may help, temporarily, but at the end of the day, what's going on inside of you is what really matters. You are who you have to live with every day. You have to face who you really are, and if you don't like yourself, take responsibility for changing yourself to become who you want to be. If you're lucky, you may have a friend or family member who's willing to help you or to be a cheerleader for you, but you can't expect that - most likely, your fight will be all your own and no one will pat you on the back for making progress as you go along. Maybe this is even better, because no one understands you and what you really need better than you. Anyway, once you know you are doing everything you can to be the person you want to be, no one and nothing outside of you will be able to bring you down. You will laugh off anything anyone says to you about yourself that you know isn't true, and you will understand that it's not necessary to keep people who aren't good for you in your life.

One of the reasons offing myself crossed my mind was because my closest friend, who I'd been sharing my challenges with for some time, called me a victim and decided the best way to deal with me would be to ignore me. I had convinced myself this person loved me and had my best interests at heart, and not being able to live up to his expectations was killing me. I now realize it's not his love or expectations I should be concerned with, but my own.

I will try to post updates here from time to time on my progress. My skin may be scarred for life, but I will do what I can to help it heal to the best of its ability, so that it can fulfill its natural, protective function, and cease being a source of distraction and suffering for me.

Going Beyond

Sometimes overcoming a difficult situation requires a complete shift of your worldview.
For some time now I have felt like there were at least two versions of me in this body - one small, scared, and childish, and another wise and ageless. When I was having a hard time, I'd feel this wise version of me talking to myself - saying what are you doing, have faith, everything will be fine. I don't know why, but I've always resisted letting this version of me take over - like somehow it would mean me becoming someone too strange to fit into normal society.
I have talked to some older women who say that you start to realize who you are in your late 20s and early 30s, but that you still have a lot of anxiety and uncertainty about yourself and how you fit into the world. This passes, they assure me, saying that by the time you reach your 40s, you will have found a way to integrate the different parts of yourself and to accept who that is. In accepting yourself, you are finally able to claim the power that you as a unique person have, to get beyond yourself and your own problems and to really participate in the world.
No one is without flaws, but everyone is complete and capable of having a meaningful life.
Love, I have found, is the only thing that really works for me to eradicate the fear and anxiety that sometimes threaten to debilitate me. Aggression, or looking away, may drive them away temporarily, but they always return. Love transforms them, and more importantly, transforms me.
I am still working on myself, still healing. I will continue to have ups and downs, but with continuous effort, love, and courage, I believe I can finally take control of my life and become the person I have always known but perhaps was too scared to admit I want to be.

Old Demons

Hello, my old friends: fear and anxiety. Funny how you seem to keep away when everything is going fine in my life, but creep right back in again, under my nose, when things start getting stressful. You slowly take control of my mind, until I find myself acting in ways that I know deep down are not good for me, but which I cannot seem to avoid. I start believing that the worst will happen, and act accordingly, sabotaging the meaningful relationships I've developed, missing out on important opportunities, and just feeling tired all..the..time. Picking, well, picking just keeps the cycle going.

So...here I am again. I guess I wasn't as well as I thought. I've realized that to really overcome picking, you have to not pick, ever. And more importantly, you have to overcome the real reasons why you pick. My best friend has suffered the most from my latest downward spiral. He told me something to this effect: "You should not be having a hard time, you should be happy, because you have a nice life, good parents, good living conditions, and good people around you who love you and respect you. You have to stop the way you see everything around you. You are giving yourself a horrible time for no good reason. Stop thinking about everything in a bad way." That hurt, and he doesn't really understand how I think about things, but he's basically correct. I have to stop fear and anxiety from taking over my life.

It's not as simple as telling yourself to stop, though. Talking to my mother, tonight, she said that one thing she's learned is that you cannot fix mental problems by thinking them away. Sometimes you have to rely on a higher power. I think she's probably right. I've tried mental power to no avail. Perhaps it's time to try something else. I'm a Buddhist, so I can't really surrender my problems to God. Instead I'll rely on White Tara, a female manifestation of the Buddha associated with long life. She's white to symbolize the clearing out of disease and the negative karma that causes disease. My mom said I need to make a daily practice of prayer, and to pray whenever I feel the fear arising. I'll do my best.

Over It

I seem to be over picking. I just don't think about it so much. I don't feel like it, frankly. It's rare that I find myself doing it, and when I do, I'm typically extremely sleep-deprived. The rest of the time, I have plenty of other ways to keep myself distracted and to relax. I listen to music, dance, swim, write. I talk to friends and family.

I don't have a problem with how my skin looks. Yes, I have some scabs and plenty of scars. Right now, since it's cold, though, most of my skin is covered anyway, so it doesn't matter. I know that my skin will heal. It's working, it's doing its job. It's protecting me. It looks okay.

I'm really grateful to be in this place. It has been a very long and difficult journey to get here. So much has changed for me, and I'm not sure exactly what part of what's changed has affected this, my skin picking, but something did.

This may be my last post for awhile. I certainly hope so. I really hope that anyone who comes across this page and needs help, or some motivation, to try to stop picking too, believes that they can do it, as I did. Forget all those idiots who say that once you're a picker, you're always be a picker. That's nonsense. I am overcoming it; you can do it too. It may require your whole life to change, as mine did, but you can do it! No matter how many times you fail, persist.

Healing

A few weeks ago I met someone who later told me that I look sad. He said I should just forget everything, have fun, and enjoy life. I think he's right. I just got back from my two-week winter vacation. It was a great experience. I picked at my skin once. In general I would say that these days I pick much less. I know how destructive it is; I know that afterwards I will regret it. After I pick I have no choice but to cover my skin for a few days. I don't want to have to hide anymore. I want to be free. When I do start picking, I just try to stop, deal with the consequences, and not obsess about it too much. I understand that every time I pick I will have red marks and scabs for about a week. I have scabs right now, on my forearms. It is annoying. But there is nothing I can do about it other than wait. I am healthier than I have been in awhile. I have had trouble sleeping and getting through days without naps for months but that phase seems to have passed. My biggest challenge right now is to stay on top of everything - to get all my work done and to stay focused. I want to feel more in control of my life. I think I can do it.