I Want

I continue to struggle with picking my skin. As was the case previously, the weekends are the highest-risk time for me. After the tension of getting through the week is relieved and I find myself with more free time than usual, I use picking as a way to unwind and decompress. Of course the feeling is only temporary; once I realize what I have done, the tension returns anew. I want so much to overcome picking and to be free from it. I want to feel light in my body, be able to wear whatever suits my fancy, and not to feel so self-conscious. I want to free up the space in my mind that picking and the state of my skin are currently occupying. I want to move on, and move forward.

Feeling Better

After some struggling, I am feeling better. I was able to go to my dance class two weeks ago and my skin is healing. I've been able to avoid any really bad picking sessions. I've done this through a combination of staying busy, pushing through to the next activity when I've felt myself getting into picking mode, and keeping my goals in the back of my mind. On two days I also took vows not to pick, from that day to the next sunrise. I don't do this often because I take these vows quite seriously and I know they are hard to keep. On those two days I was able to honor my commitment and the vows helped me become aware of all the minor picking I do throughout a day, like scraping at my cuticles and feeling and scratching at the bumps on my scalp. I didn't write about my progress sooner because sometimes it feels like as soon as I write that things are getting better, they get worse. I don't think that will be the case this time; I intend to continue moving forward. I am still looking forward to the day when I can run my hands over my arms and feel smooth skin.

Missed Opportunities

Over the past few weeks I have been feeling quite stressed and haven't gotten enough sleep. I've had a couple of bad picking sessions. This resulted in me having to skip my favorite sports class yesterday. I wasn't up for wearing a short-sleeved shirt and would've been too hot otherwise. I don't want to miss any more opportunities like this.

I've mentioned previously that I'd like to write about how picking at my skin has affected my life. Well, actually, I don't want to write about it, but I think I need to. At the subconscious level, I think I've avoided really thinking about this, because I'm scared of what I will discover.

Perhaps the most conspicuous way that picking has affected me is to change the way I dress. I used to take pleasure in buying clothes, but at some point the purpose of clothing changed from expressing myself to covering up what I'd done to myself. I continued to buy short-sleeved and sleeveless shirts for awhile, but these shirts would sit in my closet, untouched. Now I have mostly long-sleeved shirts - light-weight ones for warm weather and thicker ones for the cooler months. The same goes for shorts and short skirts - I rarely wore them because I picked my legs as well. I still pretty much wear pants all the time. When you wear long-sleeves and long pants in the summer, you get a lot of looks and comments. At least, I did. My friends would always ask me, "Aren't you hot?" "No," I lied, "I grew up in the tropics; I feel more comfortable this way." One time I remember I wore a long-sleeved knit cotton shirt to a dance club and overheard some guys saying I must be a lesbian because I wasn't dressed like the other girls. Many times I wished I could wear whatever I wanted, to enjoy clothing like I used to. I still have this feeling sometimes.

More important than affecting how I dressed, though, was how picking changed the way I felt about myself. Picking and the scars that resulted from it made me feel very self-conscious and relatively anti-social. I did not want to be around people after I'd been picking my skin. If I had picked at my face I would avoid seeing anyone until the inflammation had died down. I think I may have not gone to work a few times because of this. Even if I had picked somewhere I could cover up, though, I would avoid gatherings with friends. I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to relax and enjoy myself. Of course, having picked recently meant I was not comfortable in intimate situations, either. Not only did I feel mentally depressed, I didn't feel in the least bit attractive.

Not being able to stop myself from picking also made me feel like a weak person. Why couldn't I stop? I was smart enough to get through school with good grades; why couldn't I stop doing something to myself that had no benefits and was clearly bad for me? My confidence suffered. I think I became less willing to challenge myself and to try new things.

Picking also prevented me from participating in activities I used to enjoy or probably would have enjoyed. Most significantly for me, I was not able to go swimming. Swimming is one of my favorite things to do and I spent much of my childhood in the water. In the past ten years or so, I've only gone swimming a handful of times. Every time I have, I've felt nervous about how my skin looked. Even today I don't feel like my skin is in good enough condition for me to wear a swimsuit. When I think about this, it makes me quite sad. Not feeling comfortable wearing a swimsuit kept me away from related activities like surfing and spending lots of time at the beach, too.

Another significant impact I believe picking has had on me is to make me feel tired all the time. I've written about this before. I don't know whether it's stress, or the extra energy required to heal broken skin, or some combination of the two, but picking definitely seems to make me feel tired. I still need a lot of sleep, and get worn out easily. After I've had a bad picking session, I feel totally exhausted, and usually end up needing to rest and to sleep extra hours.

What has been the cumulative effect of picking on my life? This is harder to analyze, but I think overall picking has made me a more serious person, has made me less willing to socialize, and has made it more difficult for me to trust people. I'm not as outgoing, as adventurous, as fashionable, or as fit as I would probably otherwise be. It's possible that if I never started picking, I would have more friends, be more successful professionally, and be more socially engaged. However, the truth is, there is no way to know. My life took the path that it did, and I can't change what's done. The only thing I can do is to continue striving to use my time and energy in positive ways.

Right now, I'm thinking small - I'm just trying to get through the next week without picking so that I can go to my next sports class and enjoy it without feeling self-conscious. If I succeed, I may even consider going dancing wearing a sleeveless shirt! I'm sure most people take being able to do these kinds of things for granted; they don't know how lucky they are.

Resilience

I had a bad morning. I had planned to go for a run straight after getting out of bed, and had been looking forward to it for days. Instead, as I was getting dressed, I started picking at my skin. I picked more and more, and started thinking about some things that are bothering me. I struggled to bring my focus back into the present, and to stop, but it took a long time before I was able to. Thank goodness, I remembered that this week I do not have to wear short-sleeves, because there is a holiday on the day of the sports class I usually attend. I had been thinking that I wouldn't be able to go this week because I didn't want anyone to see my arms after what I did to them today. Last week, my arms were not in great shape either, so I wore long-sleeves and it was too hot.

I finally did finish getting dressed this morning and went for my run. It is a very cold day, but it felt good to get my body moving and to be outside in the fresh air. My day started to improve the moment my sneakers hit the pavement.

It can be hard for me to recuperate after I've had a bad picking session. I'm not talking about physically - of course it takes a long time for my skin to heal from the damage I do to it. Mentally, though, too, picking takes a toll. Typically just after I've picked I feel ashamed, disappointed, and depressed. I don't want to see anyone; I just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear. But I don't want to be like that. I don't want to let picking get the better of me, to consume any more of my mental space than it already does. I just want to recognize what happened, resolve not to do it again, and move on. The sooner I get back to being my best self, the better. I think this is possible. I still believe I can have a good day. I'm going to stretch, take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and eat some good food. Then maybe I will try to do the even harder thing - to make myself available to my friends.

Sharing

Today one of my new friends asked me what was on my arms. I was wearing short sleeves and enjoying some tea and cake with her at a cafe. The sun was shining through the window on my arms. When my skin gets hot sometimes it gets inflamed - my spots and scars stand out more. I hesitated for a second but decided to be honest and told her that I pick at my skin. For some reason I started with, "Sometimes when I get nervous..." though, which I don't think is necessarily true for me anymore. Anyway, she asked me if I had been nervous recently and why, and I tried to explain. Because she also asked me why I had so many scars I told her that I had been doing it since I was a teenager. I tried to reassure her that actually I'm doing much better now, and don't pick as often as I used to. I told her that some people pick much more than me, to the point where it's difficult to leave the house (I've been there). She asked me how I do it, which kind of took me by surprise, but I replied that I simply squeeze at bumps I find. She said she has a friend who has bumps on the backs of her upper arms, and confessed that she sometimes picks at her face. Of course, I said, that is the most common area to pick at. I then tried to divert the conversation from picking to human grooming rituals gone out of control in general, and brought up another friend of ours who wakes up incredibly early to make sure she has time to fix her hair before going out in public. I think many of these very lengthy grooming rituals have quite a lot in common with picking but are considered socially acceptable so we don't really see them as problems.

This friend of mine is the first person who I've shared that I pick with here. I don't particularly like talking about it, but I think it's probably a good thing for my close friends to know, and it was nice that she cared enough to ask. It also reminded me, though, that my scars are still very much present and noticeable. Realistically, they probably always will be. However, I don't feel like covering up my skin all the time to avoid these kinds of conversations. My friend values tact, so she probably had wondered about my skin for awhile but waited until we knew each other better to ask me about it. I was glad I could be honest with her, but at the same time, I hope I don't have to explain it to anyone else again soon!

Determined

I've been in my new location for almost a month now, though it's felt more like a few weeks. The pace of my life has been hectic. I've gotten to know a whole new group of people, which has been mostly enjoyable but sometimes stressful. I have been getting far too little sleep. I have picked at my skin 3 or 4 times over the past month. It's cold enough now that I need to wear long pants and long sleeves all the time, even at home. My arms don't look so bad that I couldn't wear short sleeves if I needed to, though. I'm pleased with the progress I've made in not picking my skin. Of course it would be best if I could avoid all picking and stop totally. The few times I've picked have been when I've been very tired and have had a bit of extra time before I've needed to move on to the next activity. As I settle in to my new routine and things (hopefully) quiet down, I am determined not to fall back into old patterns. I've learned to ignore the negative thoughts that arise when I do start picking, and will continue trying to push through and past my slip-ups.

Almost Done Moving

I just wanted to post a quick update; I've almost completed my move. I'm still incredibly busy, though. During this transition time I haven't had much time to pick. There have been a few quiet in-between times when I've picked, but it hasn't gotten too bad. The weather is getting cooler now, so I'll probably be less inclined to pick than I was during the warm months. I love warm weather but keeping my skin covered is definitely easier for me. It would be great if I could really let my skin heal this winter. Maybe I'll keep the thermostat just cold enough so that I'm not tempted to linger when getting out of the shower! The other beneficial thing about my current living situation is that I am sharing a bathroom with several different people, so the bathroom is not a place I can really pick anymore. The lighting in my bedroom is also not so bright, so hopefully I won't notice too many bumps. I'll have to work on not scratching my face or scalp - that will probably be my biggest challenge over the next several months, since I will have to do a lot of reading.

Changes

I'm moving in a few days, so have been been spending most of my time packing and getting organized. I am ending the Daily Count today, about three months after I started it. After I move I won't have the time or Internet access to update the blog as regularly. I plan to keep the blog active but am not sure how often I will be writing. There are still a few topics related to picking I haven't found time to write about, but would like to at some point in the future.

I'm glad I started this blog; I feel it's been a great help to me. Even though I haven't completely stopped picking, I have better control of the habit. At this point, I feel like I definitely can overcome picking. It will happen slowly, but it will happen. My main goal is to continue moving forward.

I feel like my general outlook on life is more positive than when I started the blog. I have also become more accepting of myself. For instance, though I picked at my arms this morning, I wore a short-sleeved shirt out in public today. The weather was hot, so that was the logical thing to do. To be honest, when putting on my shirt I didn't even think about how my arms looked. It may just be because I've been so busy I haven't had the time to think about those sorts of things, but for me, it is still a small victory.

The Perfect Time to Begin... Is Now

One thing I haven't done since I started this blog, which I'm very proud of, is got lost in a picking session and thought to myself, "Nevermind today - tomorrow, I'll start fresh." I used to do this all the time. There were many days I looked forward to as the best days to stop picking. My favorite day, other than "tomorrow," was the day of the new moon. There was also the first day of the end of my menstrual cycle, which I see as a time of purification. And of course, there were the big days - birthdays and new years (solar and lunar). My fresh start would last for a few days after these special days, until I inevitably caved. This would be followed by the familiar feeling of guilt.

I now basically think that saying "That's the day I'll stop!" is to put too much pressure on myself. It also does not protect me from damaging myself in the present, which is when my focus needs to be. Tomorrow doesn't matter, if I'm hurting myself today. It is a constant struggle for me to concentrate on what I am doing in this moment, but I will continue trying to improve.

In addition to putting off stopping until the perfect day, I have also been somewhat obsessed with the concept of tabula rasa  or a blank slate. If only what I had done to myself could be erased, somehow wiped from my memory and experience. Of course, this is not possible! As I think I've mentioned before, I've had to accept that I will always have scars. I will probably also always have bumps. I may always have areas I have scratched at or picked at that are in the process of healing. It's also possible that I will always be tempted to pick when I look at my skin. I hope that is not the case - but the reality is that there are no real fresh starts. I cannot erase what I've done or really start over. I have to work with where I'm at, reflect on my experience, and learn from it.

Don't Think About It

I've been doing pretty good over the past week. Since last Saturday the most I've picked at in a day was 5 spots. It's not like stress disappeared from my life after I resigned from my job, but I haven't had to interact with as many people on a day to day basis as I did previously, and I've been pretty much in control of how I spend my time. I should enjoy that while it lasts! Anyway, I have been tempted to pick a few times, but I've tried to power through and just not think about it. Whenever I've been making good progress for awhile I start to get scared that I will lose control and have a really bad picking session. I feel like that right now - a bit worried and on edge. I'm trying, like I said, not to think about picking. I'm also trying not to look at my skin too much. I hope if I go on for awhile like this it will get easier. Let's see.

Relief

This is the first weekday morning since I quit my job that I do not have to go to work. What a relief! My last week was so stressful - I had a project to wrap up and many files (digital and hard copy both) to organize. My brain and body were operating at full-speed and I couldn't relax even when I got home at night. I was sure I would forget something. I can't believe I managed to get it all done and to consolidate my things down to two boxes. Unfortunately I packed one box too heavy and strained my back as I was carrying it away. My only regret (other than hurting my back) was that I didn't leave enough time to say goodbye to all of my colleagues. On my final day, I talked to many people I had never talked to before, said goodbye to some of my colleagues two or three times, and then couldn't find some other people I had wanted to say goodbye to. Oh well, such is life!

I had hoped to unwind over the weekend, but that was difficult for me - on Saturday I was busy all day starting to run through the list of tasks I need to get done before my move at the end of this month. By the end of the day I had a terrible headache. Sunday was similar, but due to a return of the back pain that had started Friday evening I let myself remain still a little. Today, finally, I am starting to feel more like myself and feel it is ok to move at a slower speed. It will be interesting to answer the question - who am I without my job? I worked at the same job for many years; it consumed so much of my mental space. Not only that, but there were many times when I had to bite my tongue, leave things I wanted to say unsaid because they conflicted with the majority's perspective. I still feel somewhat restricted, to tell the truth. I guess it will take some time for that to dissipate.

I'm happy to report that I got through the weekend without any major picking incidents. Knowing that the weekend was a high-risk time allowed me to remain more vigilant. I will try to remain vigilant over the coming weeks. It will be good to heal, though I know it will be slow and I'll have to be patient with myself.

Analyzing the Daily Count Data

When I've picked really badly, I avoid looking at my skin for the next couple of days, unhappy with what I've done. After last night, I'm in that mode. Let's hope it lasts through this very stressful week.

By the way, here is a nerdy but informative graph of my Daily Count data since I started counting over a month ago:

Including last night's count skewed the results somewhat, but it's still clear that the weekends are my peak picking time. It seems like I do pretty well during the week, then lose control by Saturday or Sunday, or even Monday. The reason why may just be that I have more free time to myself on the weekends, or that as the weekend comes to an end I start becoming anxious about going to work, or maybe a week is the maximum time I can go without a more serious picking session, and the picking just happens to fall on the weekend. Whatever the case, it seems like I need to be especially careful around the weekend, and strive to make it through more than a week without more intense picking.

Weekends are the Worst

Weekends are the best for relaxing, but the worst for picking. I now have over a month of Daily Count data and the trend is clear. I pick most on the days that fall during or around the weekend. Last night was the worst yet - I got my legs and arms both and didn't even want to count the places I'd picked at afterwards. Finally I did because I thought it would be best to be honest. I counted that I'd picked at 194 places; this is more than double the worst I had done in the last month. There was a moment, before I started, when I could have stopped myself. I was standing in front of the mirror, ready to brush my teeth before going to sleep. What I should have done was turned off the light and stepped away. I didn't, though, and started picking instead. Once I'd started it was very difficult to stop. I have many bumps these days from not having picked for quite a long time; I couldn't resist the temptation. I was dreading this week as well - this is my last week of work before I quit to get ready to go back to school. I have so many loose ends to tie up it is driving me crazy. I know I just need to relax and have faith it will all get done in time, but in practice it's hard. I just need to slow down and focus on one task at a time, I suppose.

Feeling Sensitive

For several months about ten years ago I had weekly visits with a therapist. I was really struggling with picking at the time and had asked a family friend who was also a therapist for advice. He referred me to her and after meeting with her once we agreed it would be a good fit. She was a very kind, understanding person. She did help me, but unfortunately I moved to a different town soon after so I couldn't continue my therapy with her.

I still remember several things she taught me and that we discussed. One of the things she told me was that I am a very sensitive person. She said that because I was sensitive I would probably always have to do things slowly and carefully. She told me I was sensitive after I'd been talking about my friends, and the different times and different ways in which they'd hurt my feelings. I had recently had a bad experience in which I drank too much alcohol at a bar and slept with a friend of a friend. I had left his place early the next morning, while he was still sleeping. I left him a note, but later I heard that the note had just confused him because he had blacked out that night from drinking too much, and couldn't even remember who he'd been with. Like an idiot, rather than deciding to keep my distance from this guy, I tried to get to know him better and to make him like me. He wasn't interested in me at all, which I really felt bad about.

I think the therapist was right about me being sensitive. I am more careful about who I spend my time around now, and I think I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings most of the time. This morning, though, I cracked. You can't choose who you are around at work, and I have an especially difficult time interacting with harsh or even very assertive people. This morning a woman I work with, who I actually like quite a bit, was asking me to explain a process to her. I don't know much about the details of the process, but I've used it successfully in the past. I told her what I knew, but she kept asking me for more and more information, really pressing me. I started to get frustrated, because I don't know any more than I told her, and I wanted to get on with my work. She was telling me that she was going to try the process two different ways and analyze the results. Finally I told her she should just go ahead and do what she wants to do, but I'm sorry, I've reached my limit, and don't really care about the particulars of the process. I'm not able to communicate so well when I'm flustered so it all kind of came out in a jumble. She was stunned and kind of smiled, backed away, and left. I was embarrassed, my face flushed and a warm feeling in my chest. It took quite awhile for me to calm down. I feel bad for reacting that way; I don't understand why I wasn't just able to nod and go along with her until she left on her own.

This kind of thing has happened to me once before at work, a few years ago. That time was much, much worse, though. A guy from a different department, who I was working on a project with, came to my desk and asked me to do something for him. I didn't think he had the authority to tell me what to do, and thought he was asking me to do something just to lighten his own workload. So, I refused. He became more and more demanding, raising his voice and implying that I couldn't do what he was asking me to do because I was incompetent. I remember how I felt. I was so hot, and started shaking. I finally interrupted him and coldly said something like, "You need to leave right now, I cannot deal with you anymore." He did leave, thankfully. Someone sitting near me had heard the whole exchange and came over and asked me if I was ok. I was so disappointed with myself, for letting him get to me and not being able to remain calm. I felt so weak. After that I avoided contact with him, finished my work on that project, and transitioned on to other things.

What does being sensitive mean in terms of picking? Sometimes in the past when something was bothering me, or when I as feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, I'd take it out on myself by picking at my skin. I'd pick until I was exhausted and thoroughly disgusted with myself. It's as if I couldn't start feeling better until I'd made myself feel as terrible as possible. I also noticed some time ago that when I started picking for longer periods of time, at the point when my mind and body began to split, even if nothing in particular was bothering me then, my mind inevitably turned to unpleasant feelings and memories. All these things I hadn't thought about for awhile would come up, and I'd start feeling worse and worse. And then, in the few moments when I allowed myself to think about what I was doing to myself, well that just compounded the negative feelings. All in all, not a good situation. I haven't had a picking session like that for a long time, though of course it could happen again if I'm not careful.

I hope that someday I'm able to remain calm no matter how stressful the environment, even when negative energy is targeted at me. Many years ago I remember reading a teaching of "Bapak" Muhammad Subuh Sumahadiwidjojo about how we interact with other people. He said that there are basically three modes of interacting with others. One is like being a mirror, in which you reflect whatever a person directs at you right back at him or her. The other is like being a lake, in which you absorb whatever the person directs at you. At first there are waves on the surface, but eventually they dissipate and the lake surface returns to being still. The final and best way is to be something like a light, in which you transform whatever is directed at you into something lighter and more beautiful. I would like to be like that, but am a long way from it!

Sleepless Night

After a good Saturday in which I was able to sleep in, I couldn't fall asleep last night. I made it through the day without picking other than scraping and pulling at my cuticles, a real accomplishment. However, once I got into bed late last night, I just couldn't turn my brain off. With the lights off, I started feeling for and scratching at bumps on the backs of my legs, scalp, face, and stomach. Unfortunately, rather than helping me to unwind, this made me even more tense. I think I finally drifted off around 3 am, after two hours laying there. This morning, rather than sleeping in again, which I thought might translate into another sleepless night tonight, I woke up around 8 am. I started off the day trying to scrub the bathtub but banged my elbow on the faucet really strongly. It really hurts so I'm trying to take it easy, and follow the RICE routine - rest, ice, compression, and elevation. Luckily the Olympics are on so I can just chill out on the couch with my arm raised. I had so much I wanted to get done today, but what can you do?

I don't normally include bumps I scratch at without looking at them in the Daily Count, because that's not how I do the most damage to my skin. I don't want scratching to become a replacement for picking, though, and last night I scratched quite badly. So this morning I tried to count how many bumps I scratched at last night; it wasn't too hard because there are still red marks or scabs there.

New Strategy

Well, I'm not too thrilled with how I've been doing over the last two weeks or so. I've had three pretty disappointing days in the last week. I think I've been too self-indulgent. So, new strategy: I'm going to try to reduce or at least maintain, but not go over, the previous day's daily count. Let's see how it goes. I've been feeling really tired even though I've been getting between 7-8 hours of sleep a night so it may be a struggle.

Shantideva on the Body

When I'm struggling to accept my body the way it is, I try to bring to mind this quote from The Way of the Boddhisattva by Shantideva:

"Therefore, free from all attachment,
I will give this body for the benefit of beings;
Thus, though many blemishes afflict it,
I shall take it as my necessary tool." (Meditation, Stanza 184)

I also find this one helpful:

"Regard your body as a vessel,
A simple boat for going here and there.
Make of it a wish-fulfilling gem
To bring about the benefit of beings." (Vigilance, Stanza 70)

These quotes remind me that it's not how my body looks, but what I do with it, that matters most.

Busy Week

This has been such a busy week. Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness. I don't like being busy. I like having space to think and breathe, not having my mind full of things to remember and my day full of things I have to do. I like this article: Busyness is Laziness by Reggie Ray.

I've seen some people recommend keeping busy as a way to stop picking. I think that while it can work in the short-term, it's not a very good long-term strategy. Plus for me, at least, being really busy stresses me out so much that when I do finally find time to slow down, I end up picking even more than usual. The same thing happens when I've been around too many people for too long and I finally find some time alone. Being an introvert is a topic I'd like to write more about sometime.

I'm still running a sleep deficit but I hope to catch up on some zzzzs this weekend...

Between Worlds

For the past several days I've had this feeling of being in between worlds. Soon I will be leaving my job, moving, and going back to school. I've been trying to do a little bit every day to prepare, but I'm starting to get overwhelmed with all the details. It's been difficult for me to concentrate at work, and I'm having trouble unwinding at night. My plan to get 9+ hours of sleep a night has not materialized.

I anticipate that going back to school will be very challenging. I'll likely be the oldest student in my class, and will probably have been away from school the longest. I enjoy studying and will try to make the most of this opportunity, but I'm a little concerned about having enough energy and confidence to really excel.

I've told my employer that I will be leaving soon. I've also started corresponding with my new classmates. I think that's adding to my feeling of being not quite here and not quite there.

In between necessary tasks I've been distracting myself with trifles - watching tv and movies, mostly. I think I need to take the time to answer some important questions, like: What really matters to me? How will I define success as a student? What do I want to accomplish in school? Where do I hope to end up after school?
I suppose I also need to reflect on what I've learned from my current job and how it's changed me.

In short, I need to start getting mentally prepared for the next stage of my life. At the same time, I need to take care of my physical health - eat consistently well, get extra sleep, exercise regularly, and limit my picking.

Given how exhausted I feel today, I think I'll tackle my sleep deficit first!

Grounding

Grounding is a stress reduction and relaxation technique that I believe most skin pickers could benefit from. I first read about it in the book The Spiral Dance by Starhawk. She has put detailed instructions for grounding online here: http://www.starhawk.org/activism/trainer-resources/groundcenter.html. What I like about grounding is that it doesn't just make you feel relaxed; it also makes you feel balanced, strong, and connected to the world around you. I have been trying to use grounding when I feel myself getting tense, anxious, or just a little too hyper. I suppose it could also be useful when I am feeling low or dejected. I intend to continue practicing it until grounding comes more naturally to me. I really feel it will help.

Stop Getting Stuck

Last night I got stuck in between doing two things - what I was doing and what I wanted to do next. This happens to me a lot. Last night I was laying in bed, in my pjs, with freshly brushed teeth and a clean face, almost ready to go to sleep. What I wanted to do next was to read for awhile. I had the night lamp on beside me. I never made it to reading, though. I started feeling the bumps on the backs of my legs, and was surprised at how many there were. If the light had been off, I probably could have forgotten about them. Instead, I looked at them and started picking. I picked at many bumps before I gave up on trying to read and managed to turn the light off. I never even opened my book. I lay in bed for awhile but then decided to get up and go to the bathroom. I told myself that I would just pick at a few bumps I hadn't been able to fully see in the dim light and count how many bumps I had picked at. Of course, once I was in the bathroom I actually ended up picking at a few more bumps. I applied some antiseptic to the skin I had picked and tried to count how many places I had picked at. This was difficult because I was tired and there were so many. I counted that I had picked at about 78 bumps. That was less than it could have been; I had left many of the other bumps I saw alone. After counting, I updated the Daily Count on this blog, went back to bed, and fell asleep pretty quickly.

From this experience, I learned that:
1) The Daily Count is helping me to restrict my picking. I believe if I hadn't known I would be counting the bumps I picked at, I would've picked at even more.
2) I need to stop letting myself get stuck. Sometimes I just don't have the energy or motivation to do what I'd think I'd like to or need to do next. Instead of picking at my skin, dreading what I'm supposed to do next and worrying about my lack of energy and motivation, I should just give myself a break. Picking my skin is worse than not doing whatever it is I think I should be doing next. When I realize I'm stuck, I need to temporarily drop my plans and let myself relax. I might try sitting or laying down, taking a few deep breaths, clearing my mind, and releasing my excess energy.





Patience with Scabs

I have been doing much better over the last several weeks. I've reduced my picking substantially. I'm by no means reformed - when I see a bump, I still feel the urge to pick - but on most days I've been able to resist. The Daily Count shows that I'm still picking at a handful of bumps every day, but typically this either occurs when my attention is scattered, or when there's a bump just too good to pass up.

Since the weather here has been extremely warm, I've been wearing short sleeves on most days. I wear pants to work but almost always wear shorts at home. I try not to look at my skin too much. Not only am I concerned about seeing something I'll want to pick at, but my skin really doesn't look that great. My arms in particular are badly scarred. There are also several scabs on my arms where damage from my last picking sessions is healing. There are lots of small scabs on my face too, since I tend to scratch at my face throughout the day, especially when I'm reading.

I'm trying hard to be patient with my scabs. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be able to run my hands over my arms and feel a smooth surface. I actually thought that might happen sooner, but these scabs are taking their time. It's a bit of a challenge not to scratch at the scabs when I feel them. I try to remind myself, though, that they are helping me heal, and I should just let them be.

The Best Kind of Support

My significant other provides me with the support I need to successfully overcome my picking. He has never asked me stop picking my skin. He has never reacted negatively to the way my skin looks; in fact, he rarely mentions my appearance at all. He cares that my skin picking bothers me, and I know he would be happy if I were able to stop picking. However, I'm certain that he will love me even if it turns out that I'm not able to stop. As a result, I'm able to be completely honest with him. I tell him when I've picked, and I tell him how I feel about it. I don't feel like I have to hide my skin from him, though sometimes when I've had a particularly bad session I will wear long-sleeves or pants, just because I don't want him to worry too much.

I didn't always appreciate my significant other's hands-off approach. In the beginning, I asked him to intervene when he noticed me picking. "Please stop me," I pleaded with him. He tried for awhile. He'd interrupt me and try to distract me. Even though that's what I had asked for, I hated it. "Leave me alone," I would snap at him. I think I even shut and locked the bathroom door on him a few times. I didn't want my concentration to be broken; I didn't want to come out of my trance and come to grips with what I had done. Sometimes too, when I started picking and he didn't notice, I would be devastated. I would do extra damage just to make him feel bad. When I came out of it, I would accuse him of not caring. "Look what I did to myself; you don't care at all," I complained. Luckily, this dynamic didn't last for long. My significant other is not the kind of person who accepts blame for something clearly not his fault. He stopped intervening, and I stopped expecting him to. I realized that my picking is my problem, and that I am the only one responsible for changing my behavior. It wasn't fair for me to take my frustrations out on him.

I know that I'm lucky to have someone like him to care for me as I go through this struggle. Even though he can't fix my problems for me, it's nice to know that someone cares about me, and accepts me as I am. Today while we were sitting on a bench in a local garden, I showed him my forearms. "I've been doing better, but I don't know if these scars will ever go away," I said. He quickly responded, "It doesn't matter, don't even think about it."

The 2 Most Annoying Reactions

Some of the people who I've told about my picking over the years seem to think that picking is a choice akin to choosing cereal over toast for breakfast. "Why don't you stop?" they ask. "Just decide not to do it." When I was in college, one of my friends even told me that I should "own it," wear tank tops all the time, and retrain my brain. My friend had gotten impatient with me, and I thought what she said was hurtful and condescending. I know that the people who've told me to just stop are well-intentioned people who do not want me to hurt myself. What frustrates me to no end is that they don't seem to understand how hard it is. If I could just stop, I would. I don't want to hurt myself either. These people seem to think that the reason I haven't been able to stop is because I don't really care or that I'm not strong enough to do it. If I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't have discussed my struggles with people who weren't capable of understanding what I was going through or willing to provide me with the support I needed. The people who imply that it would be easy to stop picking also seem to be the quickest ones to give up on you.

Another reaction to my picking that has kind of thrown me is indifference. "Oh, you pick? So what?" Some of the people who've been indifferent to my picking didn't seem care at all; others have just thought it was a small problem in relation to other problems (in the world and in their own lives). People really can be cold, sometimes. While I know that compulsive skin picking is not the worst problem in the world to have, it's not nothing. Picking can cause a lot of physical and psychological pain. I don't expect everyone to care about what's important to me, but at least my friends should.

Tumblr and the #Dermatillomaniac Tag

When I started this blog, I didn't think that there were many skin picking blogs out there. I now know that Tumblr is home to an active community of skin picking bloggers, many of whom use the #dermatillomaniac tag. I'm not that familiar with Tumblr, but basically if you go to Tumblr and search for "dermatillomaniac" it will show you links to the posts that have most recently included that tag. Here are a couple of the tumblelogs I've come across and liked: IWanttoStopPicking & Dermotillomanic. There are lots of others but I haven't had a chance to explore too many of them. Some of the bloggers on Tumblr refer to dermatillomania as derma. I find it somewhat comforting to know that there are other compulsive skin pickers out there, and at the same time, I find it sad to read about what they're going through. Being aware of others struggling makes me all the more motivated to overcome my own skin picking - if I can do it, anyone can.

Must Get More Sleep

I am a night-owl. I love staying up late. I love the nighttime because it's dark, quiet, and cool. It's also the one time of day when I really feel like my time is my own. I feel most energized soon after dinner.

Being a night-owl does not work with my current work schedule. I need to be at work in the morning. Because I stay up late and have to wake up early, I do not get enough sleep during the week.

Getting enough sleep is important in regards to skin picking for at least two reasons - it helps my body heal, and it helps me maintain self-control. Staying alert, aware, and in control is hard when you're tired.

I envy people who wake up refreshed after getting 6 hours of sleep. I need more like 9 hours. This may just be how I am, or it may be because my body has to work extra hard to repair the damage I do to myself. I eat well and get a reasonable amount of exercise, so I don't think my diet or activity level are factors.

Because I'm tired of feeling tired, I've decided that I'm going to make a real effort to get enough sleep. This is going to be a serious struggle for me. On the weekend, I can sleep in, but during the week, I'm going to have to go to bed earlier. Given that it takes me at least 15 minutes to fall asleep, I'm going to try to be in bed at least 9.25 hours before I need to wake up to get to work on time. Now that the longest day of the year is over, it will start getting darker earlier, which should help. I hate Daylight Savings Time, by the way.

Daily Count

I've decided to put a daily count of the bumps/spots/scabs I've picked/squeezed/scratched up on the blog. I added a text box to the upper-right side of the blog for this purpose. I know it's kind of awful, but I think it will help me to 1) pay attention and 2) see if I'm doing better or worse over time. I intend to update the number at least once a day and more often on days when I'm particularly struggling.

I tried to start keeping track of my daily count via blog posts a few days ago, but I thought the resulting posts were very boring. So, I moved the count to a text box. The disadvantage of this is that it will be harder to keep track of my progress over time. I will probably try to note down the previous day's number (offline) when I put up the next day's. Of course, my goal is not just to decrease the number over time but to get it down to zero and keep it there.

I also noticed that there were a few challenges with counting. For instance, how could I count the times when I scratch my face or scalp, bite or pick at my lips, scrape at my cuticles, or pick at dead skin around my nails? I do these things almost subconsciously throughout the day, and counting them seems impractical to me. I've decided that I'll try to become more conscious of these actions and to reduce them but won't worry about trying to count every single instance of them. After all, at least in my case, it's the focused picking that does the most damage.

#1 Reason Not to Pick

My number one reason not to pick is that:
I inevitably feel worse afterward.
That should be enough.

In the Blink of an Eye

Picking really is a nasty habit. When you've been picking for as long as I have, you become very efficient. This afternoon, I absentmindedly started picking at my skin. I had picked at 7 bumps on my right arm before I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. I then tried to do something productive for awhile. Pretty quickly I got distracted again, and before I knew it, I had picked at - let me count them - 17 bumps on my left arm! I was only at it for five minutes or so. It's unbelievable. It had taken days for my skin to start looking better, to the point where I was able to wear short sleeves. In five minutes, I ruined all that progress for myself. I'm disappointed, but what's done is done. All I can do is try to be more vigilant next time. I'd like to blame my work for not being more engaging, but that seems pretty pointless. No job's exciting all the time, right?

Something to Hold Onto

I have a bracelet that I've been playing with when I'm watching tv or just sitting around, to keep my hands occupied. I guess this is what's called a competing response in habit reversal training. So far it's working pretty well. The bracelet's circular, hard metal. I rotate it and twirl it around my index finger, again and again.

I've experimented quite a bit with these kinds of things. Not just any object works - it has to be right weight and shape. Also, whatever you're doing with it shouldn't require too much concentration. I've tried squeezing stress balls before but I didn't like the way that felt. Knitting and crochet required a little too much focus, though they'd probably be great if I were just listening to something rather than listening and watching. About two years ago I had a nicely shaped river stone that I liked to rub when I was reading, but I lost it. I've tried one or two different stones since but they didn't have the right feel.

When I was a kid, I had a blanket with a satin edge. I used to carry the blanket around with me, rubbing the smooth edge over and over. Knowing this makes me think that perhaps some pickers have been fixated with touch since childhood, in the same way that some people are orally fixated. I wonder if it would be better to divert a fixation with touch to positive pursuits, for instance by taking up hobbies that require extensive use of the fingers and hands (like playing an instrument, massage, sewing, etc.), or to try to learn how to be still and to let the hands relax. For now, I feel such questions are beyond me. I'll just keep playing with my bracelet.

Lotions and Creams

I've been staying up late watching the NBA finals. No time to pick. I guess that's for the best. I'm so tired, though. Now that the finals are over I hope I can catch up on my sleep.

I have to go back to the doctor in a few weeks for a follow-up appointment. She's going to send me back to the lab for more blood tests. She saw my arms last time, too, and was concerned about how bad they looked. When I told her they look that way because I pick at them she asked me if I had tried creams and told me to put hydrocortisone on them.

I tried applying hydrocortisone once the week before last but didn't like the way the cream felt. The truth is, though I told the doctor otherwise, I have tried creams. I've tried AHA creams to smooth the bumps I pick at, as well as lotions and salves with helpful herbs in them to try to help speed up the healing process. Since I've always ended up picking again, though, I've come to feel like creams are a waste of money. Every now and then I'll start feeling optimistic and will buy something. As a result, I have about four or five half-finished creams or lotions in my bathroom.

These days I prefer not to put anything on my skin when my skin has open wounds or scabs on it (which is most of the time), because I feel like it may interfere with the healing process. I'm also very lazy when it comes to putting stuff on my skin after the shower, because after I'm done showering I want to get out of the bathroom as quickly as possible! On the other hand, while I was doing some research on vitamin D on the Linus Pauling Institute website the other day, I read how helpful topical applications of vitamins C and E and essential fatty acids can be for the skin. I have some shea cream with Vitamin E in it left over from last winter that I've been trying to use for the past few days. Even though all it seems to be doing so far is to make my skin a little less dry, I'll try to at least finish the cream off.

No More Cold Turkey!

Cold turkey was a disaster for me. Since I decided to try that I hurt myself pretty badly on at least two occasions and feel horrible about it. Yesterday while on the phone I squeezed at least a dozen bumps on my upper thighs, and late last night I picked at my arms, my stomach, and my chest. I stayed up so late that I'm exhausted this morning. Not the way I wanted to start the week. I will go back to trying to make slow and steady progress. This is really a struggle, but I still believe I can get over it. It may take longer than 3 months, though. That was probably too aggressive of a target. I will be happy if I can just reduce my picking by a little bit every week, and cut out the really damaging sessions.

Productive Obsessions

I recently read a fascinating book by Eric and Ann Maisel called Brainstorm: Harnessing the Power of Productive Obsessions (New World Library, 2010). Anyone who tends to be obsessive would probably enjoy it. I'm not sure if most skin pickers are obsessive, but compulsive skin picking and OCD are often mentioned together. I myself am moderately obsessive.

Obsession is almost always talked about like it is a bad thing. This book shows how obsessing can be positive, if you choose productive obsessions rather than unproductive ones. Unproductive obsessions, the book says, are driven by anxiety and can lead to compulsions. Productive obsessions, on the other hand, are passionately held ideas that enable you to make your life meaningful.

What I took from the book was that being able to concentrate on something long enough to bring it to fruition is a gift. However, it's important to make sure that what you're focusing on is worthwhile. You shouldn't just obsess willy-nilly; that's a waste of your mental energy. If you find yourself obsessing on something useless, recognize that it is useless, and move on! If you're not sure what is worth obsessing about, or have problems committing to an idea, the book has lots of advice. Ultimately, the book aims to help you choose and develop a productive obsession that will expand your mind and enrich your life.

The Sunshine Vitamin

I've been feeling under the weather for awhile. Through blood tests my doctor found out that I have a vitamin D deficiency. Since I've worn long-sleeves and long pants for years (to cover up picking scars) it's not too surprising. You need to expose your bare skin to the sun to make vitamin D. I work indoors, and though I do try to spend some time outside everyday, apparently the only time you can make vitamin D is in the middle of the day, when the sun's rays are at their strongest.

A vitamin D deficiency can make you feel worn down and fatigued. Vitamin D is necessary for your body to absorb calcium and to build strong bones. There's a good chance low vitamin D levels are what have been making me feel so tired, and perhaps why I've often had back pain. Not having enough vitamin D can also apparently also make your skin feel a little "weird," according to my doctor.

This week I started taking a high dose of supplemental vitamin D to try to correct my deficiency. Unfortunately this seemed to make me feel even worse - for two days I was so fatigued that it took all my energy just to get out of bed. I did some research online and read that when supplemental vitamin D makes someone who's deficient feel worse it could be because their magnesium, zinc or vitamin K levels are low too. I was willing to try anything, so I started taking supplements for these as well.

Today I am finally feeling a little better. Unfortunately, while dealing with these issues, I haven't regulated my picking very well. I picked my arms quite badly yesterday while watching some tv, have picked at my face in the mirror several times over the past few days, and have been scratching at my face and scalp. I feel bad about this but guilt won't do me any good now. What I need is to start over, and to be patient and vigilant with myself.

Tomorrow I will start focusing on not picking again. Right now it's time to get some rest, and to call it a day.

Distracted

I've picked here and there over the last several days. I'm distracted by some other health issues. Will go to the doctor to check them out and hopefully will be back on the wagon soon.

Everything's Fine

Well, the cold turkey approach seems to be working. I'm doing okay. I still scratch at dry skin on my arms, head, and face from time to time but have been able to avoid squeezing any bumps. I've been more focused at work. The only problem is that I've been staying up too late at night watching tv shows, so I'm really tired. I guess I need to get into some sort of wind-down routine at night.

So Far...

It's been about a day and so far the cold turkey approach is going okay. I've noticed that I often touch my scalp, face, and cuticles and start picking at them without consciously thinking about it. I have been able to stop immediately when I've become aware of what I'm doing, except for picking some dry scabs off my scalp and scraping at a few hangnails. I learned online that thinking/talking yourself out of doing something that's self-destructive is known in the psychotherapy world as cognitive restructuring or debating. Another approach I'm interested in learning more about is Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT, which has to do with learning how to cope with uncomfortable states of mind. There's a book called "A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook" that I think I'll try to read, if I can find the time.

Cold Turkey vs. Slow and Steady

Well, yesterday I killed my arms. I was sitting on the couch listening to a book on cd and...I got bored. Very, very bored. So I picked whatever bumps on my arms I didn't get to on Friday. It was warm, and I went into a sort of trance. When I looked out the window, I couldn't see clearly from having focused on something so close for so long; I shook my head, blinking. Today, I have little red marks on my arms. It's not like I've never been here before, so I can handle it. It's not that hot today, and if I need to go out, I have lots of long-sleeved shirts. But I am starting to wonder how much progress I can make with this slow and steady approach. I may need to try to go cold turkey - no picking, anywhere, never. Cold turkey is very hard, and when you mess up, no matter how small the transgression, you feel like it's a huge failure, because you broke your "being perfect" streak. However, since I only have three months to get this addiction under control, I may need to try that. Another thing I may have to do is to face my fears head on, rather than avoiding them. This means that rather than just trying to avoid picking by removing the opportunities to do so, I will try to put myself in high-risk picking situations. For instance, rather than not turning on the light in the bathroom, keeping a safe distance from mirrors, not working at the computer or reading books, keeping busy, and trying to be around people, I will look at and feel the bumps and dry skin on my head, face, arms, chest, stomach, and legs. I will ask myself why I want to pick at these, explain to myself why I shouldn't, fight the temptation, and do this continuously until I can look at my bumps and dry skin and feel nothing.

Pills

About 10 years ago one of my doctor friends who learned about my picking recommended that I try taking an antidepressant. I did, for a few weeks. Maybe it was a month. Then I stopped. I do not like taking pills unless I absolutely have to. I wanted to willpower my way out of my problem, and I didn't want to deal with any potential side effects. I still believe this is possible.

I Messed Up

Last night I couldn't resist that one perfect bump. I ended up squeezing it, with my fingers, not my nails, and that was that. Not so bad. Today, though, I really messed up. It was such a quiet day at work, but I was exceptionally distracted thinking about going back to school. I have so much to get done in three months, and I haven't even started. I was also made aware this morning of some issues with my paycheck. I'd only squeezed three bumps on my forearms by lunch time, but after lunch, I lost control. I squeezed at...let's count them...92 bumps, give or take. It sounds incredible when you actually count them up. Most of the bumps were on my forearms, with some on my upper arms. The picking was not what you'd call agressive. It was more gentle and deliberate; I was trying to cause as little damage as possible. Still, I'm very disappointed with myself. I had been doing so well. My arms were starting to feel much smoother. Like last Friday afternoon, all I want to do now is to go home, take a shower, and relax. Not the best way to end the week. I'd better snap out of this state of mind and fast because I've been falling behind at work. It won't be too long before someone notices. Writing about picking has definitely been helping me to moderate my picking and to become more aware of my behavior, but I think it's also contributed to a loss of focus at work. I'm not sure what to do about this.

Making Progress

Today was fine. I had trouble concentrating at work, but other than scratching at my scalp and face a bit, I left my skin alone. I even saw a bump on the back of my left arm that would be perfect to pick, but I said to myself, "Nah!" and looked away. I'm glad tomorrow's Friday. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I'm going to brush my teeth now and go to bed quickly. Better not turn on the light in the bathroom. Don't want to risk it.

Identifying as a Picker

Very few people know that I pick at my skin. Sometimes I envy other addicts, like smokers and alcoholics. Their addictions are so widespread and so well-known. You could tell someone that you're trying to quit smoking or that you're a recovering alcoholic and they'd know exactly what you're talking about. Not only that, but the person would probably offer you their whole-hearted support. Chances are that they've been or know someone close to them who's been in the same boat. I'm certain that if I confessed to someone I didn't know very well that I'm fighting an addiction to picking at my skin they'd be confounded.

From the number of websites that have cropped up related to skin picking, it seems like picking is more common than most people imagine, but I still think it's quite rare. The interesting thing about this is that picking requires no tools other than your fingers, and no materials other than something to pick at, unlike smoking and drinking, which require cigarettes and alcohol. I wish I could pour the object of my addiction down the sink, or break it up into little pieces, but that's another matter.

I guess one of the reasons that picking's not more widespread is that in addition to fingers, picking usually requires privacy and down-time. Many people have no privacy or down-time. Intense picking, unlike chain smoking and binge drinking, is not typically done socially - you probably won't be peer pressured into a long session of picking. Unlike some monkeys most of us don't sit around picking nits out of each other's hair. However, sometimes picking starts socially. I think what first got me started picking was a friend showing me how to push blackheads out of my nose. Around the same age, another friend taught me how to pull hairs out of my legs with tweezers. Luckily, I never evolved into a trichotillomaniac.

The bottom line is, I've only told my immediate family, a few friends who've come and gone in my life, and a few other people who've asked and who I thought I might as well be honest with about my skin picking. I don't know whether the other people I come into contact with suspect anything - I'm sure a few have wondered why I have red bumps on my skin. So far though, most have been either too polite or too self-absorbed to ask. I don't mind. It's not something I feel like discussing with people I don't know very well. The only reason I made this blog public rather than private was on the off chance another picker or someone trying to understand picking better might find it interesting or helpful.

Losing Its Appeal

Yesterday I picked a bit at my skin, but I realized that picking is losing its appeal. It's just not giving me the same satisfaction it used to. The skin on my arms is dry, red, and irritated, and I would rather let it heal than to make new wounds. I felt some bumps on the backs of my legs, and tried to squeeze at them, but nothing came out. I used moisturizer yesterday so my face wouldn't be so flaky, which seemed to reduce the amount I scratched at my face. When I did scratch, I was annoyed at the flakes of dead skin that got all over my clothes and my chair. I felt the same way when I scratched at the scabs on my scalp because scabs I peeled off got stuck in my hair. Another thing I did different yesterday was to turn on a small fan at work. The cool air seemed to help me keep my mind clear and to remain on task. I'll turn the fan on today, too, and hope to be even more productive. As a side note, I really can't believe how bad my arms look. I've been so preoccupied, for the past many years, with the red bumps left after picking that I never noticed how sun-damaged my arms have become. I hope they look a little better once they're fully healed, but it's quite possible the damage is permanent.

Things to Look Forward To

If I manage to stop picking, here's what I have to look forward to:
- Smooth skin
- Being able to wear whatever I want to, including short-sleeves and shorts when it's hot outside
- More energy since my body won't have to work so hard repairing my skin
- More free time
- Less self-loathing
- Less self-consciousness
- Being able to go swimming without embarrassment
- Pride and self-confidence from having successfully overcome a difficult challenge

The Curse of Privacy

Ah, privacy. I love my alone time, but for pickers like me, privacy can be a curse. I do not pick when there are other people around, except for people who know me extremely well, like my immediate family. The kind of picking I do when I'm around my immediate family is very low-key compared to the kind of picking I'm capable of when I'm alone, though. I've tended to pick less during the times in my life when I've had to share more of my space and time with people. When I've had more time alone, the opposite's been true. Of course, surrounding yourself with people is not the solution to stopping picking. You have to be able to deal with the times when you are alone too.

Back at It

The three-day weekend wasn't bad. The first night I scratched at my scalp like crazy and squeezed at many whiteheads and blackheads on my face. The second night I scratched at my scalp less and scratched at my face quite a bit (dry flaky skin). Yesterday was okay. Again, picking consisted mostly of scratching at my scalp and face. It was the same today, with some cuticle scraping thrown in for good measure. I even wore short-sleeves today, and left my arms untouched until just before I left work. My arms are actually starting to look okay. Scarred and sun-damaged, with several scabs and a few red bumps, but okay. Even though I haven't made it through a day since starting this blog with absolutely no picking, I feel like I am making progress. Slowly but surely, I will prevail.

Leaving for the Weekend

Well, I'm going away for the long weekend and won't be able to write until I get back, most likely the day after tomorrow. I feel pretty good today and am determined not to harm my skin at all. I will be with family, which usually is good but sometimes can be stressful. I'll try to stay relaxed.

There are several topics connected to picking that I would eventually like to write about. These include the role privacy plays in picking, how friends and family can be helpful, other sources of inspiration, how picking has affected my life, and productive vs. unproductive obsessions.

Too Soon

It was far too soon to wear short-sleeves! My work could not hold my interest and I decimated my right arm. Scratched at the dead skin around the scabs that had closed, squeezed at some small bumps that weren't hurting anyone. I didn't touch my left arm, though. Crap. And now I have to try to sneak out of work without anyone seeing my arm. Luckily most of my coworkers left early for the long weekend. Time for me to go home, too. I need to take a shower and put on a long-sleeved shirt.

Short Sleeves

Unfortunately, last night I spent some time in the bathroom picking. My target was the bumps on my chest that have appeared since the weather started warming up. I'm disappointed with myself. However, today's a new day, and a Friday, at that.

It's been a week since I started this blog. I have left my arms alone. This has allowed me to indulge in one of the great pleasures of warm weather many pickers cannot enjoy - wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Feeling the air on my arms is wonderful. Of course, as most pickers know, wearing short sleeves is also risky. Leaving my arms exposed means I may see a bump on my arm and that I may be unable to resist picking at it. One day I hope I'm able to see a bump on my arm and ignore it. But for today, the safest thing seems to be to avoid looking at my arms at all. I'll report back at the end of the day about how it went.

Red in the Face

I got a decent 8 hours sleep last night but today has been a struggle. I've been waiting for a coworker to give me information I need to move forward with a project at work. I'm also learning lots of new things, which can get overwhelming at times. Not to mention I'm kind of distracted by the prospect of potentially leaving my current job to go back to school in a few months. Anyway, as a result, I've wasted quite a bit of time at work absentmindedly browsing the web and trying to sort through work emails, during which I have this annoying tendency to feel for bumps on my scalp, face, and upper chest, and to scratch at and squeeze some of those bumps. I was startled when I went to the bathroom and saw a red, blotchy face starting back at me in the mirror. Yikes!

About a month ago I found myself doing something similar in a training class. During the mid-morning break one of my classmates saw me and asked me if I was having an allergic reaction. That was embarrassing. I had to say, "No, I was just touching my face, my skin's sensitive."

Of course touching my face isn't as bad as concentrated picking sessions are, but I would like to stop all forms of picking, not just the worst ones. I'm wondering if a better solution for me is to find something else to occupy my hands at the times when I would typically touch my face, or to try to dissipate some of my excess energy. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm really focusing on something, I get tense and don't breathe as deeply as I probably should. Perhaps if I made a more conscious effort to relax and breathe while concentrating I would be able to leave my hands in one place. It's worth a try.

Still Tired

Yep, I'm still exhausted. I didn't get to sleep as early as I'd hoped to last night. I don't have much self control when it comes to picking when I'm this tired. I haven't caused any serious damage, but today at work I was scratching at my forehead quite a bit. Still scraping at my cuticles, too. The skin around my fingers is so dry; I guess I should put some cream on my hands. Tonight I turned off the light above the mirror when I went to brush my teeth, just to avoid temptation. Got to get to bed asap.

Dead Tired

I'm just exhausted today. It's only a Tuesday, and I could barely keep my eyes open through the day. I haven't been picking, except for some feeling around for bumps on my scalp, and lightly squeezing/pressing on those, and a tiny bit of picking at dry skin around my fingernails. I stayed up too late last night, watching shows. Tonight I'm going to make some tea, read for awhile, and try to turn in early.

Deadline

Today I received great news. I have been offered a scholarship to undertake a two-year academic program in my area of interest. It is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. If I accept, I will be starting the program in just over three months. This means I need to stop picking before those three months are up. Not only do I want to stop picking before then, I want to completely eliminate the urge to pick at my skin. I want to be able to look at a bump on my body and think, "Oh well." Because after three months, I will need to be able to focus on my studies. I will need to be productive, not self-destructive. And, I'd like to have some fun!

Anticipating a Hard Week Ahead

Sunday...started off well. In the morning I was in spiritual mode. By the afternoon, though, things got harder. I was not perfect today. I picked at the skin around my fingernails and my toenails. I picked at one bump on my leg. I picked a pimple on my face (but that was necessary). I picked at a bump on the back of my head. I scratched at some scabs on my right arm. I picked at a bump on my right arm. I tend to touch my head and my face while I'm reading and watching tv. While I'm reading, I need to keep both hands on the book. While I'm watching tv...well, I still haven't figured that one out. It may sound like I did a lot of damage today, but it really wasn't too bad, compared to what it could have been. But it is getting harder. The more time that passes from the last "incident," the more complacent I become. Next week will be a challenge. I need to make sure I get plenty of sleep, and remain vigilant.

The Weekend

I love the weekend. Nothing to do, nowhere to go. I can sleep in. I can relax. I ate a good breakfast, did some organizing and cleaning, went for a bike ride, had a long bath, stretched, and then had a nice dinner. My skin does not look good. But I'm leaving it alone. I think I'll watch a movie, and turn in early. I can do it. I can get through the day. I can do it.

The Next Day

I have to stop doing this. I need to stop being so self-destructive. I need to let myself heal. This is a remnant, of an earlier, more insecure phase of my life. This behavior is no longer congruent with my current self. I was able to stop biting my nails, a long time ago. Why can't I stop picking my skin?

If I could stop, how long would it take for me to see an improvement? I think scabs would form and fall off in about a month, maybe three weeks. I don't know if my scars will ever fade. Probably after about two years I'd see as much improvement as there'll ever be. Can I make it even a week without picking?

I will try, and I'll document my struggles and successes here.

Some Nights

Some nights are very difficult. You were tired, you told yourself you'd go to sleep early, but then...you got stuck. You were standing in front the mirror, ready to brush your teeth, and instead, you ended up hurting yourself. You went into a sort of trance, immune to the damage you were doing. An hour passed, while you worked diligently on your task. When you were done, you emerged slowly, noticing for the first time the stiffness in your neck, your shoulders, and your legs. It was very quiet. You looked in the mirror, disappointed, knowing that tomorrow you would be full of regret. You quickly brushed your teeth, and turned off the light. You waited for the pain to subside a little before crawling carefully into bed. Again, you would get too few hours of sleep.