Changes

I'm moving in a few days, so have been been spending most of my time packing and getting organized. I am ending the Daily Count today, about three months after I started it. After I move I won't have the time or Internet access to update the blog as regularly. I plan to keep the blog active but am not sure how often I will be writing. There are still a few topics related to picking I haven't found time to write about, but would like to at some point in the future.

I'm glad I started this blog; I feel it's been a great help to me. Even though I haven't completely stopped picking, I have better control of the habit. At this point, I feel like I definitely can overcome picking. It will happen slowly, but it will happen. My main goal is to continue moving forward.

I feel like my general outlook on life is more positive than when I started the blog. I have also become more accepting of myself. For instance, though I picked at my arms this morning, I wore a short-sleeved shirt out in public today. The weather was hot, so that was the logical thing to do. To be honest, when putting on my shirt I didn't even think about how my arms looked. It may just be because I've been so busy I haven't had the time to think about those sorts of things, but for me, it is still a small victory.

The Perfect Time to Begin... Is Now

One thing I haven't done since I started this blog, which I'm very proud of, is got lost in a picking session and thought to myself, "Nevermind today - tomorrow, I'll start fresh." I used to do this all the time. There were many days I looked forward to as the best days to stop picking. My favorite day, other than "tomorrow," was the day of the new moon. There was also the first day of the end of my menstrual cycle, which I see as a time of purification. And of course, there were the big days - birthdays and new years (solar and lunar). My fresh start would last for a few days after these special days, until I inevitably caved. This would be followed by the familiar feeling of guilt.

I now basically think that saying "That's the day I'll stop!" is to put too much pressure on myself. It also does not protect me from damaging myself in the present, which is when my focus needs to be. Tomorrow doesn't matter, if I'm hurting myself today. It is a constant struggle for me to concentrate on what I am doing in this moment, but I will continue trying to improve.

In addition to putting off stopping until the perfect day, I have also been somewhat obsessed with the concept of tabula rasa  or a blank slate. If only what I had done to myself could be erased, somehow wiped from my memory and experience. Of course, this is not possible! As I think I've mentioned before, I've had to accept that I will always have scars. I will probably also always have bumps. I may always have areas I have scratched at or picked at that are in the process of healing. It's also possible that I will always be tempted to pick when I look at my skin. I hope that is not the case - but the reality is that there are no real fresh starts. I cannot erase what I've done or really start over. I have to work with where I'm at, reflect on my experience, and learn from it.

Don't Think About It

I've been doing pretty good over the past week. Since last Saturday the most I've picked at in a day was 5 spots. It's not like stress disappeared from my life after I resigned from my job, but I haven't had to interact with as many people on a day to day basis as I did previously, and I've been pretty much in control of how I spend my time. I should enjoy that while it lasts! Anyway, I have been tempted to pick a few times, but I've tried to power through and just not think about it. Whenever I've been making good progress for awhile I start to get scared that I will lose control and have a really bad picking session. I feel like that right now - a bit worried and on edge. I'm trying, like I said, not to think about picking. I'm also trying not to look at my skin too much. I hope if I go on for awhile like this it will get easier. Let's see.

Relief

This is the first weekday morning since I quit my job that I do not have to go to work. What a relief! My last week was so stressful - I had a project to wrap up and many files (digital and hard copy both) to organize. My brain and body were operating at full-speed and I couldn't relax even when I got home at night. I was sure I would forget something. I can't believe I managed to get it all done and to consolidate my things down to two boxes. Unfortunately I packed one box too heavy and strained my back as I was carrying it away. My only regret (other than hurting my back) was that I didn't leave enough time to say goodbye to all of my colleagues. On my final day, I talked to many people I had never talked to before, said goodbye to some of my colleagues two or three times, and then couldn't find some other people I had wanted to say goodbye to. Oh well, such is life!

I had hoped to unwind over the weekend, but that was difficult for me - on Saturday I was busy all day starting to run through the list of tasks I need to get done before my move at the end of this month. By the end of the day I had a terrible headache. Sunday was similar, but due to a return of the back pain that had started Friday evening I let myself remain still a little. Today, finally, I am starting to feel more like myself and feel it is ok to move at a slower speed. It will be interesting to answer the question - who am I without my job? I worked at the same job for many years; it consumed so much of my mental space. Not only that, but there were many times when I had to bite my tongue, leave things I wanted to say unsaid because they conflicted with the majority's perspective. I still feel somewhat restricted, to tell the truth. I guess it will take some time for that to dissipate.

I'm happy to report that I got through the weekend without any major picking incidents. Knowing that the weekend was a high-risk time allowed me to remain more vigilant. I will try to remain vigilant over the coming weeks. It will be good to heal, though I know it will be slow and I'll have to be patient with myself.

Analyzing the Daily Count Data

When I've picked really badly, I avoid looking at my skin for the next couple of days, unhappy with what I've done. After last night, I'm in that mode. Let's hope it lasts through this very stressful week.

By the way, here is a nerdy but informative graph of my Daily Count data since I started counting over a month ago:

Including last night's count skewed the results somewhat, but it's still clear that the weekends are my peak picking time. It seems like I do pretty well during the week, then lose control by Saturday or Sunday, or even Monday. The reason why may just be that I have more free time to myself on the weekends, or that as the weekend comes to an end I start becoming anxious about going to work, or maybe a week is the maximum time I can go without a more serious picking session, and the picking just happens to fall on the weekend. Whatever the case, it seems like I need to be especially careful around the weekend, and strive to make it through more than a week without more intense picking.

Weekends are the Worst

Weekends are the best for relaxing, but the worst for picking. I now have over a month of Daily Count data and the trend is clear. I pick most on the days that fall during or around the weekend. Last night was the worst yet - I got my legs and arms both and didn't even want to count the places I'd picked at afterwards. Finally I did because I thought it would be best to be honest. I counted that I'd picked at 194 places; this is more than double the worst I had done in the last month. There was a moment, before I started, when I could have stopped myself. I was standing in front of the mirror, ready to brush my teeth before going to sleep. What I should have done was turned off the light and stepped away. I didn't, though, and started picking instead. Once I'd started it was very difficult to stop. I have many bumps these days from not having picked for quite a long time; I couldn't resist the temptation. I was dreading this week as well - this is my last week of work before I quit to get ready to go back to school. I have so many loose ends to tie up it is driving me crazy. I know I just need to relax and have faith it will all get done in time, but in practice it's hard. I just need to slow down and focus on one task at a time, I suppose.