Molehills Aren't Mountains, Really

Today I bought a high-quality comedone extractor from the drugstore. In the evening I took a warm shower, disinfected my skin and the tool with some alcohol, and tried it out. It was actually a very funny experience. When I placed the tool on my skin it immediately became apparent that I had grossly overestimated the size of my blemishes. First, I had trouble locating anything to extract. Then, when I focused in enough to find some small dots, and tried the tool out on them, nothing happened. I rocked the tool all over my t-zone area and my chin, and about the only place anything actually came out of my pores was in the creases around my nose. What came out wasn't disgusting, as I'd dreaded - it was just a small amount of normal, un-intimidating whitish sebum. So what is a comedone extractor good for, in fact? Mostly, it seems, keeping things in perspective. Hello, and goodbye, body dysmorphic disorder. It doesn't seem I'll have much use for the tool, other than pulling it out every time I need a reminder that no, things really aren't that bad.

Missteps

I made it through 10 days without picking, then yesterday, caved. There's not much to say about it - my skin was bad and I couldn't leave it alone - surely if I did nothing it wouldn't improve, right? Who knows. My patience is limited. I started with steaming, then did a mask, then did some minor exfoliation, but I still wasn't getting the results I wanted, so some hours later I gave in and picked. I think I am going to do what I've resisted for a long time and buy a comedone extractor - it would probably be better just to leave my skin alone but if I feel like I have to extract better to use a sterilized tool than my fingertips and finger nails, right? The goal is to extract once, then cleanse and moisturize properly, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, keep stress levels as low as possible, get plenty of sleep, and make peace with whatever imperfections remain/return. I know that should be number one - make peace with what is - but I'm not quite there, yet. As for no picking, I start again today and will try again to make it to a month to begin. My face hurts.

Power & Control

Never think that your mind and what comes from your mind is beyond your control. That is all you can control. Do not relinquish your power.

The Appeal of Dissociation

As I've written before, I think picking is a symptom of other underlying problems. Or perhaps more accurately, a coping mechanism (however poor) for dealing with other problems. When I've been picking for awhile, my mind dissociates from my body, and I find this quite freeing. What is it that I want to escape from? Something I heard yesterday gave me a new take on it. Maybe it's not that I don't feel good enough, or strong enough - maybe I just don't like where I'm at - maybe I would rather not be here. Sometimes this world is a hard, harsh place. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's boring, sometimes I just don't feel like it's for me. Sometimes I would rather be in my thoughts, or even somewhere beyond thoughts - in that kind of empty, in-between space where it feels like there's no division and no separation. I love that place. I wonder - could I free my mind without harming my body? Could I bring my mind and body into balance, into some kind of harmony? What would happen if, when I felt uncomfortable, out-of-place, awkward, unwelcome, insecure, and so on - if rather than trying to escape - I tried sticking around? What if I let myself feel the discomfort? What if I just focused on the physical sensation, if I let it be what it was and didn't tell myself a story about it to build it up or minimize it or turn it into something else? I think if I could master this courage combined with mindfulness, that I would feel more comfortable in my body and more in control of my life. I think it would take away whatever power my negative emotions have over me. Surely this wouldn't happen overnight, but slowly, slowly - it's worth a try. An update on the first month of no picking - it's only been a few days, and it's certainly not easy, but I'm hanging in there. I'm determined.

Again.

And... again. When can you stop being mindful? Never. Is it true that we only have enough self-control, enough willpower, to tackle one thing at a time? Maybe. I have lots of personal goals - to speak softly and kindly, to move gracefully, to keep my home peaceful and organized, to get enough sleep at consistent times, to stay on top of my work, to eat healthy, well-balanced meals...the list goes on and on. But there is one thing that must be at the top of this list, that must always be at the top - and that is not to pick. I forgot how important this is. I was suddenly living on my own again, away from family and close friends, trying to adapt to working full-time again, at a demanding job with interpersonal conflict. Coming home, worn out body and mind, no energy to cook, no energy to exercise, but yes, enough energy to pick. To look in the mirror and pick my face - so many imperfections! And why not my arms? And of course my chest? My legs, eh, when I was feeling really ambitious. I hate picking, and yet there is nothing like it to dissociate mind and body... The mind wanders, wanders, working over issues that need to be resolved, turning them around, looking at them from all sides. And then I find it's summer and I must wear long sleeves. However, compared to several years ago, things are better. Number one, I am not as self-conscious about the way my skin looks, scars and all. Hell, it's my skin. Two, I know picking is stupid - it takes away my precious free time, leaves me achy and tired, and injures my skin - so every now and then, before I've gotten too into it, I can tear myself away, and snap out of it! Three, I can forgive myself. Whatever happened happened - yes, I'll try not to do it again, but no, I will not beat myself up for what's past, because there's no point. So the purpose of this post is to reaffirm my commitment to not picking AT ALL. I made a promise to a friend. My friend has no idea what kind of effort it will take to keep that promise, how vigilant I will need to be, but that's ok. I will do it, I can do it, I have to do it. No. more. picking. There's some new websites out on picking since I started this blog, and I was scanning one the other day that said within about a year the impulse to pick can be removed. A year is a long time. I'll start with a month.