Feeling Sensitive

For several months about ten years ago I had weekly visits with a therapist. I was really struggling with picking at the time and had asked a family friend who was also a therapist for advice. He referred me to her and after meeting with her once we agreed it would be a good fit. She was a very kind, understanding person. She did help me, but unfortunately I moved to a different town soon after so I couldn't continue my therapy with her.

I still remember several things she taught me and that we discussed. One of the things she told me was that I am a very sensitive person. She said that because I was sensitive I would probably always have to do things slowly and carefully. She told me I was sensitive after I'd been talking about my friends, and the different times and different ways in which they'd hurt my feelings. I had recently had a bad experience in which I drank too much alcohol at a bar and slept with a friend of a friend. I had left his place early the next morning, while he was still sleeping. I left him a note, but later I heard that the note had just confused him because he had blacked out that night from drinking too much, and couldn't even remember who he'd been with. Like an idiot, rather than deciding to keep my distance from this guy, I tried to get to know him better and to make him like me. He wasn't interested in me at all, which I really felt bad about.

I think the therapist was right about me being sensitive. I am more careful about who I spend my time around now, and I think I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings most of the time. This morning, though, I cracked. You can't choose who you are around at work, and I have an especially difficult time interacting with harsh or even very assertive people. This morning a woman I work with, who I actually like quite a bit, was asking me to explain a process to her. I don't know much about the details of the process, but I've used it successfully in the past. I told her what I knew, but she kept asking me for more and more information, really pressing me. I started to get frustrated, because I don't know any more than I told her, and I wanted to get on with my work. She was telling me that she was going to try the process two different ways and analyze the results. Finally I told her she should just go ahead and do what she wants to do, but I'm sorry, I've reached my limit, and don't really care about the particulars of the process. I'm not able to communicate so well when I'm flustered so it all kind of came out in a jumble. She was stunned and kind of smiled, backed away, and left. I was embarrassed, my face flushed and a warm feeling in my chest. It took quite awhile for me to calm down. I feel bad for reacting that way; I don't understand why I wasn't just able to nod and go along with her until she left on her own.

This kind of thing has happened to me once before at work, a few years ago. That time was much, much worse, though. A guy from a different department, who I was working on a project with, came to my desk and asked me to do something for him. I didn't think he had the authority to tell me what to do, and thought he was asking me to do something just to lighten his own workload. So, I refused. He became more and more demanding, raising his voice and implying that I couldn't do what he was asking me to do because I was incompetent. I remember how I felt. I was so hot, and started shaking. I finally interrupted him and coldly said something like, "You need to leave right now, I cannot deal with you anymore." He did leave, thankfully. Someone sitting near me had heard the whole exchange and came over and asked me if I was ok. I was so disappointed with myself, for letting him get to me and not being able to remain calm. I felt so weak. After that I avoided contact with him, finished my work on that project, and transitioned on to other things.

What does being sensitive mean in terms of picking? Sometimes in the past when something was bothering me, or when I as feeling overwhelmed or frustrated, I'd take it out on myself by picking at my skin. I'd pick until I was exhausted and thoroughly disgusted with myself. It's as if I couldn't start feeling better until I'd made myself feel as terrible as possible. I also noticed some time ago that when I started picking for longer periods of time, at the point when my mind and body began to split, even if nothing in particular was bothering me then, my mind inevitably turned to unpleasant feelings and memories. All these things I hadn't thought about for awhile would come up, and I'd start feeling worse and worse. And then, in the few moments when I allowed myself to think about what I was doing to myself, well that just compounded the negative feelings. All in all, not a good situation. I haven't had a picking session like that for a long time, though of course it could happen again if I'm not careful.

I hope that someday I'm able to remain calm no matter how stressful the environment, even when negative energy is targeted at me. Many years ago I remember reading a teaching of "Bapak" Muhammad Subuh Sumahadiwidjojo about how we interact with other people. He said that there are basically three modes of interacting with others. One is like being a mirror, in which you reflect whatever a person directs at you right back at him or her. The other is like being a lake, in which you absorb whatever the person directs at you. At first there are waves on the surface, but eventually they dissipate and the lake surface returns to being still. The final and best way is to be something like a light, in which you transform whatever is directed at you into something lighter and more beautiful. I would like to be like that, but am a long way from it!

Sleepless Night

After a good Saturday in which I was able to sleep in, I couldn't fall asleep last night. I made it through the day without picking other than scraping and pulling at my cuticles, a real accomplishment. However, once I got into bed late last night, I just couldn't turn my brain off. With the lights off, I started feeling for and scratching at bumps on the backs of my legs, scalp, face, and stomach. Unfortunately, rather than helping me to unwind, this made me even more tense. I think I finally drifted off around 3 am, after two hours laying there. This morning, rather than sleeping in again, which I thought might translate into another sleepless night tonight, I woke up around 8 am. I started off the day trying to scrub the bathtub but banged my elbow on the faucet really strongly. It really hurts so I'm trying to take it easy, and follow the RICE routine - rest, ice, compression, and elevation. Luckily the Olympics are on so I can just chill out on the couch with my arm raised. I had so much I wanted to get done today, but what can you do?

I don't normally include bumps I scratch at without looking at them in the Daily Count, because that's not how I do the most damage to my skin. I don't want scratching to become a replacement for picking, though, and last night I scratched quite badly. So this morning I tried to count how many bumps I scratched at last night; it wasn't too hard because there are still red marks or scabs there.

New Strategy

Well, I'm not too thrilled with how I've been doing over the last two weeks or so. I've had three pretty disappointing days in the last week. I think I've been too self-indulgent. So, new strategy: I'm going to try to reduce or at least maintain, but not go over, the previous day's daily count. Let's see how it goes. I've been feeling really tired even though I've been getting between 7-8 hours of sleep a night so it may be a struggle.

Shantideva on the Body

When I'm struggling to accept my body the way it is, I try to bring to mind this quote from The Way of the Boddhisattva by Shantideva:

"Therefore, free from all attachment,
I will give this body for the benefit of beings;
Thus, though many blemishes afflict it,
I shall take it as my necessary tool." (Meditation, Stanza 184)

I also find this one helpful:

"Regard your body as a vessel,
A simple boat for going here and there.
Make of it a wish-fulfilling gem
To bring about the benefit of beings." (Vigilance, Stanza 70)

These quotes remind me that it's not how my body looks, but what I do with it, that matters most.

Busy Week

This has been such a busy week. Tomorrow is Friday, thank goodness. I don't like being busy. I like having space to think and breathe, not having my mind full of things to remember and my day full of things I have to do. I like this article: Busyness is Laziness by Reggie Ray.

I've seen some people recommend keeping busy as a way to stop picking. I think that while it can work in the short-term, it's not a very good long-term strategy. Plus for me, at least, being really busy stresses me out so much that when I do finally find time to slow down, I end up picking even more than usual. The same thing happens when I've been around too many people for too long and I finally find some time alone. Being an introvert is a topic I'd like to write more about sometime.

I'm still running a sleep deficit but I hope to catch up on some zzzzs this weekend...

Between Worlds

For the past several days I've had this feeling of being in between worlds. Soon I will be leaving my job, moving, and going back to school. I've been trying to do a little bit every day to prepare, but I'm starting to get overwhelmed with all the details. It's been difficult for me to concentrate at work, and I'm having trouble unwinding at night. My plan to get 9+ hours of sleep a night has not materialized.

I anticipate that going back to school will be very challenging. I'll likely be the oldest student in my class, and will probably have been away from school the longest. I enjoy studying and will try to make the most of this opportunity, but I'm a little concerned about having enough energy and confidence to really excel.

I've told my employer that I will be leaving soon. I've also started corresponding with my new classmates. I think that's adding to my feeling of being not quite here and not quite there.

In between necessary tasks I've been distracting myself with trifles - watching tv and movies, mostly. I think I need to take the time to answer some important questions, like: What really matters to me? How will I define success as a student? What do I want to accomplish in school? Where do I hope to end up after school?
I suppose I also need to reflect on what I've learned from my current job and how it's changed me.

In short, I need to start getting mentally prepared for the next stage of my life. At the same time, I need to take care of my physical health - eat consistently well, get extra sleep, exercise regularly, and limit my picking.

Given how exhausted I feel today, I think I'll tackle my sleep deficit first!

Grounding

Grounding is a stress reduction and relaxation technique that I believe most skin pickers could benefit from. I first read about it in the book The Spiral Dance by Starhawk. She has put detailed instructions for grounding online here: http://www.starhawk.org/activism/trainer-resources/groundcenter.html. What I like about grounding is that it doesn't just make you feel relaxed; it also makes you feel balanced, strong, and connected to the world around you. I have been trying to use grounding when I feel myself getting tense, anxious, or just a little too hyper. I suppose it could also be useful when I am feeling low or dejected. I intend to continue practicing it until grounding comes more naturally to me. I really feel it will help.

Stop Getting Stuck

Last night I got stuck in between doing two things - what I was doing and what I wanted to do next. This happens to me a lot. Last night I was laying in bed, in my pjs, with freshly brushed teeth and a clean face, almost ready to go to sleep. What I wanted to do next was to read for awhile. I had the night lamp on beside me. I never made it to reading, though. I started feeling the bumps on the backs of my legs, and was surprised at how many there were. If the light had been off, I probably could have forgotten about them. Instead, I looked at them and started picking. I picked at many bumps before I gave up on trying to read and managed to turn the light off. I never even opened my book. I lay in bed for awhile but then decided to get up and go to the bathroom. I told myself that I would just pick at a few bumps I hadn't been able to fully see in the dim light and count how many bumps I had picked at. Of course, once I was in the bathroom I actually ended up picking at a few more bumps. I applied some antiseptic to the skin I had picked and tried to count how many places I had picked at. This was difficult because I was tired and there were so many. I counted that I had picked at about 78 bumps. That was less than it could have been; I had left many of the other bumps I saw alone. After counting, I updated the Daily Count on this blog, went back to bed, and fell asleep pretty quickly.

From this experience, I learned that:
1) The Daily Count is helping me to restrict my picking. I believe if I hadn't known I would be counting the bumps I picked at, I would've picked at even more.
2) I need to stop letting myself get stuck. Sometimes I just don't have the energy or motivation to do what I'd think I'd like to or need to do next. Instead of picking at my skin, dreading what I'm supposed to do next and worrying about my lack of energy and motivation, I should just give myself a break. Picking my skin is worse than not doing whatever it is I think I should be doing next. When I realize I'm stuck, I need to temporarily drop my plans and let myself relax. I might try sitting or laying down, taking a few deep breaths, clearing my mind, and releasing my excess energy.





Patience with Scabs

I have been doing much better over the last several weeks. I've reduced my picking substantially. I'm by no means reformed - when I see a bump, I still feel the urge to pick - but on most days I've been able to resist. The Daily Count shows that I'm still picking at a handful of bumps every day, but typically this either occurs when my attention is scattered, or when there's a bump just too good to pass up.

Since the weather here has been extremely warm, I've been wearing short sleeves on most days. I wear pants to work but almost always wear shorts at home. I try not to look at my skin too much. Not only am I concerned about seeing something I'll want to pick at, but my skin really doesn't look that great. My arms in particular are badly scarred. There are also several scabs on my arms where damage from my last picking sessions is healing. There are lots of small scabs on my face too, since I tend to scratch at my face throughout the day, especially when I'm reading.

I'm trying hard to be patient with my scabs. I'm looking forward to the day when I'll be able to run my hands over my arms and feel a smooth surface. I actually thought that might happen sooner, but these scabs are taking their time. It's a bit of a challenge not to scratch at the scabs when I feel them. I try to remind myself, though, that they are helping me heal, and I should just let them be.

The Best Kind of Support

My significant other provides me with the support I need to successfully overcome my picking. He has never asked me stop picking my skin. He has never reacted negatively to the way my skin looks; in fact, he rarely mentions my appearance at all. He cares that my skin picking bothers me, and I know he would be happy if I were able to stop picking. However, I'm certain that he will love me even if it turns out that I'm not able to stop. As a result, I'm able to be completely honest with him. I tell him when I've picked, and I tell him how I feel about it. I don't feel like I have to hide my skin from him, though sometimes when I've had a particularly bad session I will wear long-sleeves or pants, just because I don't want him to worry too much.

I didn't always appreciate my significant other's hands-off approach. In the beginning, I asked him to intervene when he noticed me picking. "Please stop me," I pleaded with him. He tried for awhile. He'd interrupt me and try to distract me. Even though that's what I had asked for, I hated it. "Leave me alone," I would snap at him. I think I even shut and locked the bathroom door on him a few times. I didn't want my concentration to be broken; I didn't want to come out of my trance and come to grips with what I had done. Sometimes too, when I started picking and he didn't notice, I would be devastated. I would do extra damage just to make him feel bad. When I came out of it, I would accuse him of not caring. "Look what I did to myself; you don't care at all," I complained. Luckily, this dynamic didn't last for long. My significant other is not the kind of person who accepts blame for something clearly not his fault. He stopped intervening, and I stopped expecting him to. I realized that my picking is my problem, and that I am the only one responsible for changing my behavior. It wasn't fair for me to take my frustrations out on him.

I know that I'm lucky to have someone like him to care for me as I go through this struggle. Even though he can't fix my problems for me, it's nice to know that someone cares about me, and accepts me as I am. Today while we were sitting on a bench in a local garden, I showed him my forearms. "I've been doing better, but I don't know if these scars will ever go away," I said. He quickly responded, "It doesn't matter, don't even think about it."

The 2 Most Annoying Reactions

Some of the people who I've told about my picking over the years seem to think that picking is a choice akin to choosing cereal over toast for breakfast. "Why don't you stop?" they ask. "Just decide not to do it." When I was in college, one of my friends even told me that I should "own it," wear tank tops all the time, and retrain my brain. My friend had gotten impatient with me, and I thought what she said was hurtful and condescending. I know that the people who've told me to just stop are well-intentioned people who do not want me to hurt myself. What frustrates me to no end is that they don't seem to understand how hard it is. If I could just stop, I would. I don't want to hurt myself either. These people seem to think that the reason I haven't been able to stop is because I don't really care or that I'm not strong enough to do it. If I'd known then what I know now, I wouldn't have discussed my struggles with people who weren't capable of understanding what I was going through or willing to provide me with the support I needed. The people who imply that it would be easy to stop picking also seem to be the quickest ones to give up on you.

Another reaction to my picking that has kind of thrown me is indifference. "Oh, you pick? So what?" Some of the people who've been indifferent to my picking didn't seem care at all; others have just thought it was a small problem in relation to other problems (in the world and in their own lives). People really can be cold, sometimes. While I know that compulsive skin picking is not the worst problem in the world to have, it's not nothing. Picking can cause a lot of physical and psychological pain. I don't expect everyone to care about what's important to me, but at least my friends should.

Tumblr and the #Dermatillomaniac Tag

When I started this blog, I didn't think that there were many skin picking blogs out there. I now know that Tumblr is home to an active community of skin picking bloggers, many of whom use the #dermatillomaniac tag. I'm not that familiar with Tumblr, but basically if you go to Tumblr and search for "dermatillomaniac" it will show you links to the posts that have most recently included that tag. Here are a couple of the tumblelogs I've come across and liked: IWanttoStopPicking & Dermotillomanic. There are lots of others but I haven't had a chance to explore too many of them. Some of the bloggers on Tumblr refer to dermatillomania as derma. I find it somewhat comforting to know that there are other compulsive skin pickers out there, and at the same time, I find it sad to read about what they're going through. Being aware of others struggling makes me all the more motivated to overcome my own skin picking - if I can do it, anyone can.

Must Get More Sleep

I am a night-owl. I love staying up late. I love the nighttime because it's dark, quiet, and cool. It's also the one time of day when I really feel like my time is my own. I feel most energized soon after dinner.

Being a night-owl does not work with my current work schedule. I need to be at work in the morning. Because I stay up late and have to wake up early, I do not get enough sleep during the week.

Getting enough sleep is important in regards to skin picking for at least two reasons - it helps my body heal, and it helps me maintain self-control. Staying alert, aware, and in control is hard when you're tired.

I envy people who wake up refreshed after getting 6 hours of sleep. I need more like 9 hours. This may just be how I am, or it may be because my body has to work extra hard to repair the damage I do to myself. I eat well and get a reasonable amount of exercise, so I don't think my diet or activity level are factors.

Because I'm tired of feeling tired, I've decided that I'm going to make a real effort to get enough sleep. This is going to be a serious struggle for me. On the weekend, I can sleep in, but during the week, I'm going to have to go to bed earlier. Given that it takes me at least 15 minutes to fall asleep, I'm going to try to be in bed at least 9.25 hours before I need to wake up to get to work on time. Now that the longest day of the year is over, it will start getting darker earlier, which should help. I hate Daylight Savings Time, by the way.

Daily Count

I've decided to put a daily count of the bumps/spots/scabs I've picked/squeezed/scratched up on the blog. I added a text box to the upper-right side of the blog for this purpose. I know it's kind of awful, but I think it will help me to 1) pay attention and 2) see if I'm doing better or worse over time. I intend to update the number at least once a day and more often on days when I'm particularly struggling.

I tried to start keeping track of my daily count via blog posts a few days ago, but I thought the resulting posts were very boring. So, I moved the count to a text box. The disadvantage of this is that it will be harder to keep track of my progress over time. I will probably try to note down the previous day's number (offline) when I put up the next day's. Of course, my goal is not just to decrease the number over time but to get it down to zero and keep it there.

I also noticed that there were a few challenges with counting. For instance, how could I count the times when I scratch my face or scalp, bite or pick at my lips, scrape at my cuticles, or pick at dead skin around my nails? I do these things almost subconsciously throughout the day, and counting them seems impractical to me. I've decided that I'll try to become more conscious of these actions and to reduce them but won't worry about trying to count every single instance of them. After all, at least in my case, it's the focused picking that does the most damage.