Momentum

There's no stopping progress. Once your skin starts healing it feels and looks so good compared to how it used to that there's no way to go back. Trust me. I have made peace with my skin as it is. Thank God I'm still relatively young so my skin regenerates at a decent rate. Not like it did when I was a teenager, but it's fine. I do not want to waste a single additional moment of my life stressing out about my skin or the way I treat it. Letting this go is sweet freedom.

Good news, I'm over it

Well yes, basically the title says it all. It's been a few days now since I said - Ok, that's it - I'm done! And I really am done. My skin is healing. Face faster than limbs, but it's all a matter of time. I may have scars forever. I don't care. Scars, freckles, wrinkles, blackheads, pimples. I do not care. Skin is not perfect, not if you're alive, but take care of it and it'll do its job. I'll try to write another update in some days or weeks. Time to relax...

Who You Really Are

So, I say that if you're picking you're out of alignment with who you are. You are resisting or avoiding something. The key is to find out what. It may be many things! Over the past three years I've changed dramatically. I've been through experiences that have each highlighted aspects of my personality that were no longer serving me. Lacking self-confidence. Feeling conflicted about my spirituality. Needing external validation. Trying to meet other people's standards. Giving myself too much of a hard time. Not trusting my intuition. Being overly critical and argumentative. Avoiding conflict. Feeling uncomfortable in my body. My goodness. Coming to grips with all of these things has been exhausting! And I still have further to go; this process is ongoing. However, every day, with every realization I have and every change that I go through - I feel more and more like who I really am. It's like layers and layers of junk are getting cleared away. Whereas before I felt at peace sometimes, rarely, now it's more often, and soon I'm positive it will become my default mode.

Do It for Yourself

This is a hard post, because I feel we've almost been programmed to want to make other people happy. It's like our parents were so scared of us becoming selfish and self-absorbed that they pushed us too far to the other extreme. Of course the irony is that if you consciously neglect the self, it will assert its needs subconsciously, which can play out in all sorts of messed up ways, including manipulation. It is much, much better to be aware of your wants and to be open about them than to find yourself trying to get them in roundabout ways. Anyway, I digress. When I first wanted to stop picking, I thought it would be most effective to do it for someone else. A number of people I've known and have cared about have wanted me to stop. Trying to stop for any of them didn't work, though. The thing is, I believe the essential problem - the root of picking, what sustains the habit over years - is a lack of self-love. The only person you can and should do it for is yourself. Because it's what you want and need and because it's good for you - you'll stop. The benefits for anyone else are only secondary. Do it for you.

I Would Rather Be...

When I feel myself getting pulled towards picking, I say to myself: "I would rather be..." Reading. Cooking. Showering. Going for a walk.  (Fill in the blank). Hurting myself is pretty much the last thing I feel like doing. And that's the now. I can apply it to tomorrow, also. I would rather be well-rested and to be one day further along in the healing process, than to be dead-tired and to have to starting over from Day Zero (again).

What Is vs. What Could Be

Have you ever had a horrible moment of realization when you see how you actually look, as a result of picking? A lot of times I see past the scabs and bumps and scars. Call it selective vision, if you will. But then sometimes, I let myself see, or I just can't avoid it. I took a photo of myself smiling, and I looked at it and saw the scabs on my forehead. I look down at my forearms, near my wrists, where my sleeves don't quite reach, and I see the dozens of tiny round scars - in various stages of healing - red and purple and lighter than skin tone. It can be pretty overwhelming and sometimes quite hopeless. However, I am a fighter, and I can also see how I could look, if I managed to stop. I can imagine my skin healing. I can imagine an end to the pain that I've learned to ignore for the most part but that every now and then I feel. This is what I want. To be healthy and free and more fully myself. I feel like I'm at a fraction of my potential and I'm so tired of being stuck there.

Stop Immediately.

I read an article this morning that explains what I've suspected for a long time - picking may cause depression. Picking causes inflammation in the body, and inflammation may be a source of depression. Talk about a vicious cycle. http://gu.com/p/44gj5/sbl

Other things! (You are more than this)

I hate a lot of things about picking. One of the worst things is the guilt associated with it. How heavy it becomes. How picking can come to define you. How you let it consume you. Whether you're in the middle of it, or you're not doing it at the moment. I am tired of thinking about picking. I'm tired of worrying about picking. I want to think about other things. I want to spend my energy on other things. I started a whole blog about overcoming picking. That shows how important it is to me - how much it's troubling me. I hate that. Never mind my poor skin - I want my mind and my energy back. And how, now? Now I will focus on doing what I want to do, rather than on not doing what I don't want to do. Doesn't that sound better?

Start Again

Start again, as many times as you need to. This is a new moment, this is a new moment, this is a new moment. Every moment is a moment you can start again. Your skin may be torn, red, bleeding, scabbed, scarred. Whatever stage it's in - it will get better. It can only get better. Let it do so. Resolve not to tear it open again. Resolve to let it stay closed, to let it take care of itself as it will. Support it in doing so. Eat healthy, sleep enough, don't fret over what you can't control. Take care of yourself, a little better every day, until it's a habit, until you don't have to think about it. Start again. Start now.

Incremental Change

Do not beat yourself up for not changing as fast as you'd like or as fast as others expect. Do not beat yourself up for repeating the things you never wanted to. Only you can judge how much progress you've made, and how much further you have to go. Congratulate yourself for small victories. Do not give up.

Or... Be Busy

I do not like being busy, but my job has become so demanding that I do not have a choice. My priority in my free time is feeding myself and trying to shift back, after focusing really intensely on something, to seeing - to being in - the environment I'm in (because being here as myself now is important but also so that I don't get a headache and actually feel relaxed enough to fall asleep at night). There's just no space for picking in my life right now, not even really to think about it. I'm committed to not picking when, inevitably, I find myself with some do-nothing time. I don't recommend keeping busy as a way to deal with problems - you're not really dealing with them by doing so, you're just avoiding them - however, I've said before that if the issue is that you have to obsess about something, it may as well be something productive. I felt like I was going in circles, getting nowhere. I was stuck! It's time now to move slowly but surely (or maybe incredibly quickly!) forward. Let's see what will happen, what life will bring.

No Other Way

I realized a few days ago that until I stop picking at my skin, my life is never going to go the way I'd like it to. I have to stop, or I'm stuck. It's that simple.
So far, telling myself, "I don't do that anymore," is working nicely. Picking is incongruent with who I've become, and my subsconscious seems receptive to this message.
I don't want to be stuck. I want to move on.

I Don't Do That Anymore

That picking thing?
"I don't do that anymore." - this is my new self-talk.

 

You Are Not a Victim

Life doesn't happen to you - you create your life.
Cast off your burdens, all that oppresses you - let what you do not want go. Do not destroy yourself.
What you choose to engage with, do so willingly, calmly, and patiently. Remember - it is a choice.
Everything changes - know what's inevitable. Don't convince yourself that what seems insurmountable is inevitable. Neither pretend that what's inevitable isn't - we all will die some day, sooner or later.
Enjoy life by really being in it - not by using recreation or busy-ness as a distraction from what you would rather not face, from what you need to accept and take on, or release.
Your time here is limited - use it well. If you knew you only had another year to live, what would you do with it? What really matters to you - what do you care about?

Molehills Aren't Mountains, Really

Today I bought a high-quality comedone extractor from the drugstore. In the evening I took a warm shower, disinfected my skin and the tool with some alcohol, and tried it out. It was actually a very funny experience. When I placed the tool on my skin it immediately became apparent that I had grossly overestimated the size of my blemishes. First, I had trouble locating anything to extract. Then, when I focused in enough to find some small dots, and tried the tool out on them, nothing happened. I rocked the tool all over my t-zone area and my chin, and about the only place anything actually came out of my pores was in the creases around my nose. What came out wasn't disgusting, as I'd dreaded - it was just a small amount of normal, un-intimidating whitish sebum. So what is a comedone extractor good for, in fact? Mostly, it seems, keeping things in perspective. Hello, and goodbye, body dysmorphic disorder. It doesn't seem I'll have much use for the tool, other than pulling it out every time I need a reminder that no, things really aren't that bad.

Missteps

I made it through 10 days without picking, then yesterday, caved. There's not much to say about it - my skin was bad and I couldn't leave it alone - surely if I did nothing it wouldn't improve, right? Who knows. My patience is limited. I started with steaming, then did a mask, then did some minor exfoliation, but I still wasn't getting the results I wanted, so some hours later I gave in and picked. I think I am going to do what I've resisted for a long time and buy a comedone extractor - it would probably be better just to leave my skin alone but if I feel like I have to extract better to use a sterilized tool than my fingertips and finger nails, right? The goal is to extract once, then cleanse and moisturize properly, eat healthy, drink plenty of water, keep stress levels as low as possible, get plenty of sleep, and make peace with whatever imperfections remain/return. I know that should be number one - make peace with what is - but I'm not quite there, yet. As for no picking, I start again today and will try again to make it to a month to begin. My face hurts.

Power & Control

Never think that your mind and what comes from your mind is beyond your control. That is all you can control. Do not relinquish your power.

The Appeal of Dissociation

As I've written before, I think picking is a symptom of other underlying problems. Or perhaps more accurately, a coping mechanism (however poor) for dealing with other problems. When I've been picking for awhile, my mind dissociates from my body, and I find this quite freeing. What is it that I want to escape from? Something I heard yesterday gave me a new take on it. Maybe it's not that I don't feel good enough, or strong enough - maybe I just don't like where I'm at - maybe I would rather not be here. Sometimes this world is a hard, harsh place. Sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's boring, sometimes I just don't feel like it's for me. Sometimes I would rather be in my thoughts, or even somewhere beyond thoughts - in that kind of empty, in-between space where it feels like there's no division and no separation. I love that place. I wonder - could I free my mind without harming my body? Could I bring my mind and body into balance, into some kind of harmony? What would happen if, when I felt uncomfortable, out-of-place, awkward, unwelcome, insecure, and so on - if rather than trying to escape - I tried sticking around? What if I let myself feel the discomfort? What if I just focused on the physical sensation, if I let it be what it was and didn't tell myself a story about it to build it up or minimize it or turn it into something else? I think if I could master this courage combined with mindfulness, that I would feel more comfortable in my body and more in control of my life. I think it would take away whatever power my negative emotions have over me. Surely this wouldn't happen overnight, but slowly, slowly - it's worth a try. An update on the first month of no picking - it's only been a few days, and it's certainly not easy, but I'm hanging in there. I'm determined.

Again.

And... again. When can you stop being mindful? Never. Is it true that we only have enough self-control, enough willpower, to tackle one thing at a time? Maybe. I have lots of personal goals - to speak softly and kindly, to move gracefully, to keep my home peaceful and organized, to get enough sleep at consistent times, to stay on top of my work, to eat healthy, well-balanced meals...the list goes on and on. But there is one thing that must be at the top of this list, that must always be at the top - and that is not to pick. I forgot how important this is. I was suddenly living on my own again, away from family and close friends, trying to adapt to working full-time again, at a demanding job with interpersonal conflict. Coming home, worn out body and mind, no energy to cook, no energy to exercise, but yes, enough energy to pick. To look in the mirror and pick my face - so many imperfections! And why not my arms? And of course my chest? My legs, eh, when I was feeling really ambitious. I hate picking, and yet there is nothing like it to dissociate mind and body... The mind wanders, wanders, working over issues that need to be resolved, turning them around, looking at them from all sides. And then I find it's summer and I must wear long sleeves. However, compared to several years ago, things are better. Number one, I am not as self-conscious about the way my skin looks, scars and all. Hell, it's my skin. Two, I know picking is stupid - it takes away my precious free time, leaves me achy and tired, and injures my skin - so every now and then, before I've gotten too into it, I can tear myself away, and snap out of it! Three, I can forgive myself. Whatever happened happened - yes, I'll try not to do it again, but no, I will not beat myself up for what's past, because there's no point. So the purpose of this post is to reaffirm my commitment to not picking AT ALL. I made a promise to a friend. My friend has no idea what kind of effort it will take to keep that promise, how vigilant I will need to be, but that's ok. I will do it, I can do it, I have to do it. No. more. picking. There's some new websites out on picking since I started this blog, and I was scanning one the other day that said within about a year the impulse to pick can be removed. A year is a long time. I'll start with a month.