Last week something in my relationship with my body changed. On Monday I had a very difficult emotional experience and ended up picking at my skin very badly - my arms, my legs, my face, everywhere. It was sad and painful. After it was over, though, I really had to wonder if I could or even should have avoided it. The thing is, the time had come for me to face some hard truths about changes that have happened to me. Though picking was physically destructive, it enabled me to concentrate to the extent that I could finally come to some conclusions about important matters. Surely there are better ways to force yourself to concentrate than to pick at your skin, but this is what I did, and when I was done, though exhausted and regretful of the damage I had done to my skin, I was also relieved that I had accepted what I needed to accept. I hope days like last Monday are few and far between from now on. Of course, you never know what life will throw your way.
Anyway, the next day, I perceived my body in a different way. I saw my body as somehow separate from myself. I thought about how my skin protects me, my bones hold me up, and my muscles help me move. I thought about how I experience the world through my senses - my sight, taste, hearing, smell, touch, and thoughts. I thought about how I need my body, to get through this life, but how there is so much more to me than my body. I need to take care of my body and support its needs the way it supports mine. At the same time though, I need to remember that this body is impermanent and that it does not define me. I am in control. I do not exist to serve my body; my body exists to serve me.
After I started thinking about this in regards to my own body, I started seeing the people around me in a different way. I tried to really see them - to look past the outside and think about who they really were. I thought about how people's bodies - how they move, speak, and decorate themselves - can reflect something about their internal state, but can never tell the whole story. We're born with one body and can change it only slightly. Inside, though, we are so complex. We are capable of great changes, and, in my opinion, of having a far more expansive worldview than the limitations of our physical body would indicate.
This shift of perspective was very interesting for me and in some ways quite liberating. By affecting the way I saw myself and how I saw others, it made me think about my relationships. For instance, I started wondering about physical attraction and why it is that many times we seek to be physically close to someone when the mental and emotional aspects of a relationship can be so much richer. I am not sure whether this mental shift will be lasting or temporary, but I'd like to sustain it for a while and explore some of its implications.
