#1 Reason Not to Pick

My number one reason not to pick is that:
I inevitably feel worse afterward.
That should be enough.

In the Blink of an Eye

Picking really is a nasty habit. When you've been picking for as long as I have, you become very efficient. This afternoon, I absentmindedly started picking at my skin. I had picked at 7 bumps on my right arm before I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. I then tried to do something productive for awhile. Pretty quickly I got distracted again, and before I knew it, I had picked at - let me count them - 17 bumps on my left arm! I was only at it for five minutes or so. It's unbelievable. It had taken days for my skin to start looking better, to the point where I was able to wear short sleeves. In five minutes, I ruined all that progress for myself. I'm disappointed, but what's done is done. All I can do is try to be more vigilant next time. I'd like to blame my work for not being more engaging, but that seems pretty pointless. No job's exciting all the time, right?

Something to Hold Onto

I have a bracelet that I've been playing with when I'm watching tv or just sitting around, to keep my hands occupied. I guess this is what's called a competing response in habit reversal training. So far it's working pretty well. The bracelet's circular, hard metal. I rotate it and twirl it around my index finger, again and again.

I've experimented quite a bit with these kinds of things. Not just any object works - it has to be right weight and shape. Also, whatever you're doing with it shouldn't require too much concentration. I've tried squeezing stress balls before but I didn't like the way that felt. Knitting and crochet required a little too much focus, though they'd probably be great if I were just listening to something rather than listening and watching. About two years ago I had a nicely shaped river stone that I liked to rub when I was reading, but I lost it. I've tried one or two different stones since but they didn't have the right feel.

When I was a kid, I had a blanket with a satin edge. I used to carry the blanket around with me, rubbing the smooth edge over and over. Knowing this makes me think that perhaps some pickers have been fixated with touch since childhood, in the same way that some people are orally fixated. I wonder if it would be better to divert a fixation with touch to positive pursuits, for instance by taking up hobbies that require extensive use of the fingers and hands (like playing an instrument, massage, sewing, etc.), or to try to learn how to be still and to let the hands relax. For now, I feel such questions are beyond me. I'll just keep playing with my bracelet.

Lotions and Creams

I've been staying up late watching the NBA finals. No time to pick. I guess that's for the best. I'm so tired, though. Now that the finals are over I hope I can catch up on my sleep.

I have to go back to the doctor in a few weeks for a follow-up appointment. She's going to send me back to the lab for more blood tests. She saw my arms last time, too, and was concerned about how bad they looked. When I told her they look that way because I pick at them she asked me if I had tried creams and told me to put hydrocortisone on them.

I tried applying hydrocortisone once the week before last but didn't like the way the cream felt. The truth is, though I told the doctor otherwise, I have tried creams. I've tried AHA creams to smooth the bumps I pick at, as well as lotions and salves with helpful herbs in them to try to help speed up the healing process. Since I've always ended up picking again, though, I've come to feel like creams are a waste of money. Every now and then I'll start feeling optimistic and will buy something. As a result, I have about four or five half-finished creams or lotions in my bathroom.

These days I prefer not to put anything on my skin when my skin has open wounds or scabs on it (which is most of the time), because I feel like it may interfere with the healing process. I'm also very lazy when it comes to putting stuff on my skin after the shower, because after I'm done showering I want to get out of the bathroom as quickly as possible! On the other hand, while I was doing some research on vitamin D on the Linus Pauling Institute website the other day, I read how helpful topical applications of vitamins C and E and essential fatty acids can be for the skin. I have some shea cream with Vitamin E in it left over from last winter that I've been trying to use for the past few days. Even though all it seems to be doing so far is to make my skin a little less dry, I'll try to at least finish the cream off.

No More Cold Turkey!

Cold turkey was a disaster for me. Since I decided to try that I hurt myself pretty badly on at least two occasions and feel horrible about it. Yesterday while on the phone I squeezed at least a dozen bumps on my upper thighs, and late last night I picked at my arms, my stomach, and my chest. I stayed up so late that I'm exhausted this morning. Not the way I wanted to start the week. I will go back to trying to make slow and steady progress. This is really a struggle, but I still believe I can get over it. It may take longer than 3 months, though. That was probably too aggressive of a target. I will be happy if I can just reduce my picking by a little bit every week, and cut out the really damaging sessions.

Productive Obsessions

I recently read a fascinating book by Eric and Ann Maisel called Brainstorm: Harnessing the Power of Productive Obsessions (New World Library, 2010). Anyone who tends to be obsessive would probably enjoy it. I'm not sure if most skin pickers are obsessive, but compulsive skin picking and OCD are often mentioned together. I myself am moderately obsessive.

Obsession is almost always talked about like it is a bad thing. This book shows how obsessing can be positive, if you choose productive obsessions rather than unproductive ones. Unproductive obsessions, the book says, are driven by anxiety and can lead to compulsions. Productive obsessions, on the other hand, are passionately held ideas that enable you to make your life meaningful.

What I took from the book was that being able to concentrate on something long enough to bring it to fruition is a gift. However, it's important to make sure that what you're focusing on is worthwhile. You shouldn't just obsess willy-nilly; that's a waste of your mental energy. If you find yourself obsessing on something useless, recognize that it is useless, and move on! If you're not sure what is worth obsessing about, or have problems committing to an idea, the book has lots of advice. Ultimately, the book aims to help you choose and develop a productive obsession that will expand your mind and enrich your life.

The Sunshine Vitamin

I've been feeling under the weather for awhile. Through blood tests my doctor found out that I have a vitamin D deficiency. Since I've worn long-sleeves and long pants for years (to cover up picking scars) it's not too surprising. You need to expose your bare skin to the sun to make vitamin D. I work indoors, and though I do try to spend some time outside everyday, apparently the only time you can make vitamin D is in the middle of the day, when the sun's rays are at their strongest.

A vitamin D deficiency can make you feel worn down and fatigued. Vitamin D is necessary for your body to absorb calcium and to build strong bones. There's a good chance low vitamin D levels are what have been making me feel so tired, and perhaps why I've often had back pain. Not having enough vitamin D can also apparently also make your skin feel a little "weird," according to my doctor.

This week I started taking a high dose of supplemental vitamin D to try to correct my deficiency. Unfortunately this seemed to make me feel even worse - for two days I was so fatigued that it took all my energy just to get out of bed. I did some research online and read that when supplemental vitamin D makes someone who's deficient feel worse it could be because their magnesium, zinc or vitamin K levels are low too. I was willing to try anything, so I started taking supplements for these as well.

Today I am finally feeling a little better. Unfortunately, while dealing with these issues, I haven't regulated my picking very well. I picked my arms quite badly yesterday while watching some tv, have picked at my face in the mirror several times over the past few days, and have been scratching at my face and scalp. I feel bad about this but guilt won't do me any good now. What I need is to start over, and to be patient and vigilant with myself.

Tomorrow I will start focusing on not picking again. Right now it's time to get some rest, and to call it a day.

Distracted

I've picked here and there over the last several days. I'm distracted by some other health issues. Will go to the doctor to check them out and hopefully will be back on the wagon soon.

Everything's Fine

Well, the cold turkey approach seems to be working. I'm doing okay. I still scratch at dry skin on my arms, head, and face from time to time but have been able to avoid squeezing any bumps. I've been more focused at work. The only problem is that I've been staying up too late at night watching tv shows, so I'm really tired. I guess I need to get into some sort of wind-down routine at night.

So Far...

It's been about a day and so far the cold turkey approach is going okay. I've noticed that I often touch my scalp, face, and cuticles and start picking at them without consciously thinking about it. I have been able to stop immediately when I've become aware of what I'm doing, except for picking some dry scabs off my scalp and scraping at a few hangnails. I learned online that thinking/talking yourself out of doing something that's self-destructive is known in the psychotherapy world as cognitive restructuring or debating. Another approach I'm interested in learning more about is Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy or MBCT, which has to do with learning how to cope with uncomfortable states of mind. There's a book called "A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook" that I think I'll try to read, if I can find the time.

Cold Turkey vs. Slow and Steady

Well, yesterday I killed my arms. I was sitting on the couch listening to a book on cd and...I got bored. Very, very bored. So I picked whatever bumps on my arms I didn't get to on Friday. It was warm, and I went into a sort of trance. When I looked out the window, I couldn't see clearly from having focused on something so close for so long; I shook my head, blinking. Today, I have little red marks on my arms. It's not like I've never been here before, so I can handle it. It's not that hot today, and if I need to go out, I have lots of long-sleeved shirts. But I am starting to wonder how much progress I can make with this slow and steady approach. I may need to try to go cold turkey - no picking, anywhere, never. Cold turkey is very hard, and when you mess up, no matter how small the transgression, you feel like it's a huge failure, because you broke your "being perfect" streak. However, since I only have three months to get this addiction under control, I may need to try that. Another thing I may have to do is to face my fears head on, rather than avoiding them. This means that rather than just trying to avoid picking by removing the opportunities to do so, I will try to put myself in high-risk picking situations. For instance, rather than not turning on the light in the bathroom, keeping a safe distance from mirrors, not working at the computer or reading books, keeping busy, and trying to be around people, I will look at and feel the bumps and dry skin on my head, face, arms, chest, stomach, and legs. I will ask myself why I want to pick at these, explain to myself why I shouldn't, fight the temptation, and do this continuously until I can look at my bumps and dry skin and feel nothing.

Pills

About 10 years ago one of my doctor friends who learned about my picking recommended that I try taking an antidepressant. I did, for a few weeks. Maybe it was a month. Then I stopped. I do not like taking pills unless I absolutely have to. I wanted to willpower my way out of my problem, and I didn't want to deal with any potential side effects. I still believe this is possible.

I Messed Up

Last night I couldn't resist that one perfect bump. I ended up squeezing it, with my fingers, not my nails, and that was that. Not so bad. Today, though, I really messed up. It was such a quiet day at work, but I was exceptionally distracted thinking about going back to school. I have so much to get done in three months, and I haven't even started. I was also made aware this morning of some issues with my paycheck. I'd only squeezed three bumps on my forearms by lunch time, but after lunch, I lost control. I squeezed at...let's count them...92 bumps, give or take. It sounds incredible when you actually count them up. Most of the bumps were on my forearms, with some on my upper arms. The picking was not what you'd call agressive. It was more gentle and deliberate; I was trying to cause as little damage as possible. Still, I'm very disappointed with myself. I had been doing so well. My arms were starting to feel much smoother. Like last Friday afternoon, all I want to do now is to go home, take a shower, and relax. Not the best way to end the week. I'd better snap out of this state of mind and fast because I've been falling behind at work. It won't be too long before someone notices. Writing about picking has definitely been helping me to moderate my picking and to become more aware of my behavior, but I think it's also contributed to a loss of focus at work. I'm not sure what to do about this.