It's been ages since I've written. I've been going through a very hard time and recently realized that I have been deluding myself to try to make things easier on myself. The truth has always been fighting to get through to me, but I had developed habits to protect myself from it. Evidence kept piling up, trying to maintain my self-delusions left me drained and exhausted, and finally I realized: I can't do this anymore. This realization came after suicidal thoughts had surfaced in my head one too many times. I would never commit suicide because I believe my life is the most precious thing I have and I wouldn't want to bring that kind of pain to my friends and family, but that I even got to the point of thinking about it, of thinking that maybe this was my best way out, terrifies me.
Now I am forcing myself to give up the habits that kept reality at a distance and to confront things as they are. It is very difficult. I feel like I am going through withdrawal, but I am determined to recover and to take responsibility for my life.
Part of the healing I need to do is to confront, again, and finally, my compulsive skin-picking. I don't want to pick my skin anymore. I've been doing it since I was a teenager. It has consumed vast quantities of my time and energy, made me feel self-conscious and insecure, and prevented me from participating in a lot of opportunities that would've been good for me. Picking hasn't brought me real relaxation, or any great thoughts. Basically, picking has brought me nothing but pain. Hurting myself for no apparent gain is completely unacceptable and I refuse to continue with it.
This is a blog about skin picking, but as far as I can tell, skin picking is an indicator of other things going wrong in a person's life. Whatever you find externally to improve your life may help, temporarily, but at the end of the day, what's going on inside of you is what really matters. You are who you have to live with every day. You have to face who you really are, and if you don't like yourself, take responsibility for changing yourself to become who you want to be. If you're lucky, you may have a friend or family member who's willing to help you or to be a cheerleader for you, but you can't expect that - most likely, your fight will be all your own and no one will pat you on the back for making progress as you go along. Maybe this is even better, because no one understands you and what you really need better than you. Anyway, once you know you are doing everything you can to be the person you want to be, no one and nothing outside of you will be able to bring you down. You will laugh off anything anyone says to you about yourself that you know isn't true, and you will understand that it's not necessary to keep people who aren't good for you in your life.
One of the reasons offing myself crossed my mind was because my closest friend, who I'd been sharing my challenges with for some time, called me a victim and decided the best way to deal with me would be to ignore me. I had convinced myself this person loved me and had my best interests at heart, and not being able to live up to his expectations was killing me. I now realize it's not his love or expectations I should be concerned with, but my own.
I will try to post updates here from time to time on my progress. My skin may be scarred for life, but I will do what I can to help it heal to the best of its ability, so that it can fulfill its natural, protective function, and cease being a source of distraction and suffering for me.
